Is It Worth the Risk?

Not only does it feel like just when I start to feel like I’m in a good place mentally and emotionally that I get kicked or intrusive thoughts and self-sabotaging happen, that I realize there are consequences to putting myself out there and engaging with the world. If said consequences are negative I find myself asking, “Is it worth it?”

In the midst of my emotional flashback I started the school year with a couple of guidelines and goals.

1. Continue to have low expectations that I would actually be utilized for my knowledge and skills.
2. Continue to have low expectations that I would be treated any differently.
3. Make new friends! Sit with different departments at meetings or luncheons! Get out of the library (I take daily lunch walks). Nothing says I have to be the librarians’ rejected stepchild.
4. Continue with my hobbies and put myself out there as available to socialize.

And don’t have a panic attack! 🤪

First day of work I found another department to sit with. ✔️ The Chief and I went to the faculty social even though it was a rainy mess. His corn dogs were a hit. ✔️ I walk at lunch so I’m more visible around the building. ✔️ I broke up with my trainer of 15 years (that’ll be another blog) and I joined 5 other faculty members at a new-to-me local gym. ✔️

But all this makes me feel very vulnerable. Because one of my corollary duties (which according to long-timers isn’t actually even supposed to be part of my job) is maintaining our reservations calendar and updating the calendar of events on our website, I ended up in the middle of a department feud. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I felt like I was playing both sides and both sides were playing me. And all I wanted were dates!

And now I’m pretty sure there is spin on the situation to use the discord as an argument for why it shouldn’t be part of my job. It only served to highlight that in library land I have pretty much zero say in anything about my job. I pretty much do next to nothing anymore that would be considered secretarial. I have the same duties I had as an elementary para-educator. I just get paid more. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Putting myself out there socially also invites chances to mess up and disappoint others or hurt feelings or get sucked into other’s personal drama. Things that didn’t necessarily happen because if I was visibly struggling most people left me alone or I actively withdrew.

When I do mess up or someone has drama (not necessarily the same thing as a having a problem and needing my support, strength, and understanding), it makes me anxious. I don’t want to be defensive if I’ve messed up. I want to be accountable. “Well you wouldn’t have messed up if you had just stayed home and become a hermit!” Other people’s drama is tedious. But I don’t want to be unsupportive and not compassionate. “I’m too old for this nonsense.”

I’ve always said the Chief and I could be very happy with a couple of acres away from civilization, a ton of dogs, and tiny homes for only our approved friends! 🤪

I’ll figure out this whole socializing thing. I don’t know if it’s worth it. I guess as long as I can build better boundaries and preserve my sanity and reputation. I want to stay feeling good. I want to try new things and meet new people. I just don’t want to be vulnerable or make mistakes.

Why is it…?

when I get to feeling good emotionally and mentally it feels like the world around me is trying to steal my peace and joy? The Chief and I are good–missing each other terribly but good, the girls are good, the dogs are good, my immediate job situation doesn’t suck.

But seriously, here’s an example. There is a meme out there about ‘how quiet life became once I stopped texting first.’

My cell phone became a brick back on August 31. This was not a good day. Work stank and I had actually told the Chief once I got one of the credit cards paid off I was going to quit at the end of December. I didn’t know my number was bricked for almost a week. It took my Bestie texting me through FB Messenger and asking me if I was mad at her to realize I had missed a week’s worth of texting. My lovely SIL thought I was mad at her for who knows what when I didn’t respond to pictures that I never got of our MIL buying a car with her. It’s almost Oct. 31st…still no working phone number.

But yes, it’s been quiet. Who thinks I have ghosted them? Who even noticed I stopped texting? Who doesn’t care? I had this thought that I should reshare this meme to my FB and kind of call out people.

Where does that thought come from? 🤦🏻‍♀️ Why do I want to be that petty? Go. If you don’t want to be in my life, go. I’m not going to fight for something the other person didn’t see of the same value. “Hey now, SnipeWife, maybe they’re going through a lot. You could have some compassion.” Sure but we’re all going through a lot. If you’re life is that bad that you never have a good enough moment to be able to check on other people maybe you don’t need me in your life.

As I said my immediate job is going better and I’ll probably stick out the year at least. The Chief and his retirement or not retiring will determine what I do. But elsewhere in the school? Suddenly I’m stuck in the middle of feuding departments for one of my add-on duties. I can see both sides. Can’t they compromise? I feel like I’m playing both sides and that I’m being played–masterfully–and I don’t like that and I don’t want that reputation.

*I also just discovered that I made huge mistake back in August (a week before the bricked phone) when I was in the throws of my emotional flashback and wanting to quit my job. My short-term or long-term memory is greatly affected by stress levels. And upon discovering my mistake thankfully I was able to personally apologize, take responsibility, and was given grace by the other parties–something my previous bosses traumatized me over with their lack of grace and compassion. Interestingly I was not afraid to go to these two individuals because I’m learning to stand up for myself. I was prepared to apologize and walk away if they chose to berate and attack me. That’s the kind of peace though that I feel is trying to be stolen from me.

I know a few younger couples through my D&D hobby and when I see them struggling with their marriages, my heart aches for them. Then I worry and T1 and her new marriage. Will they weather life’s storms? Are they doing okay?

I don’t want to be oblivious to the problems around me. I don’t want to borrow trouble either. Intrusive thoughts like to dig deep. I want to respond. I’m not a fair-weather friend but I’m sad by the reality that so many I counted as ‘friends’ seem to be. Wow, you need to figure how to pick better friends, SnipeWife. I’m almost 50–making new friends is harder than ever. I want to be petty, not compassionate because the compassion I’ve shown doesn’t seem valued or respected. But being petty smacks of begging and I am done begging for anyone to want me in their life. Done. I deserve more.

So go. The text messages technically stopped well before I got bricked. Only one of us was putting in the effort anyway.

Life Takes a Funny Turn

Summer was winding down. The Chief was going to be late by a week for T1’s ceremony. Any potentially appealing job listings mysteriously disappeared off the county website after I had inquired about not hearing anything when I had been promised help transferring into another position. I was pretty much resigned to going back to full-time subbing. Maybe that was for the best. It would be T1’s senior year and I knew it would be a crazy time for us.

But I couldn’t help not being satisfied with that. I started looking at the nearby neighboring county. Some of their schools were actually closer than my last job was to my house. But interestingly the pay was almost $1,500 LESS!

The Chief was in sell range and we were talking about all manner of upcoming things. I finally asked him how he would feel if I applied for those jobs even if the pay was less. Three schools were closer to home and to my gym. He supported my decision.

I spent the next few hours applying and uploading resumes and letters of recommendation. It was after midnight before I finished. It was in God’s hands.

The following day I had a follow-up ENT appointment for myself for my sinuses and I was going to have a hearing test to see if I was the reason T1 suffered from hearing loss. I had been at the gym earlier but I had a caffeinated drink and it triggered my SVT. I spent the next few hours in SVT but nothing major happened. My appointment was running long and my cell phone rang.

It was the principal from my children’s elementary school, the place where I had desperately wanted to be the library para and had been passed over twice now. He was offering me the Title I para position I had been released from at my previous job when they lost their Title I status. It was last minute but I would report the following Monday.

Sure it wasn’t the library position I desired but it would be one mile from my home and I wouldn’t have to take a pay cut. I agreed to take the job.

There was of course some comedy of errors on the part of human resources. Because I was technically still on the pay roll, no one called me to offer me my salary memorandum. It had been emailed to my still active email account. This also caused some confusion about filling out my benefits paperwork–that I had signed in January. No one seemed to know any answers and my drive over to the school board office was for nothing.

We’ve been in school four weeks now. I am making bulletin boards and having fun at that. I’m teaching reading and math remediation. Familiar faces have been so welcoming. And my new boss? It doesn’t hurt that she is the blonde doppelganger of the most delightful woman at church. So far we are definitely getting along. One of my classroom is a bit annoyed with the fact my group is noisy. It’s kind of a chicken or egg situation–she has a noisy class in general.

We’re knee deep in marching band. We’ve had Senior Informational Night. Tomorrow is the FAFSA night. It’s getting real.

Just got to trust God’s timing…

Repeat & Add Craziness!

Does this year really need to repeat everything about last year?

One “perfect for you” job that I didn’t get. Adopt a dog on June 11. Second “perfect for you” job that I didn’t get. Now just waiting for that third job. Stinks. But I refuse to sink. I am trusting God again.

If I had gotten the first job this year, I’d be working full-time, 12-months a year. That just wouldn’t work right now. Two days ago we found out T1 has mild to moderate hearing loss of all the middle ranges in both ears.

Normal hearing is between -10 to 20 dB. T1 hears low sounds and high sounds in those ranges. Mild hearing deficit is between 20 to 40 dB. Moderate hearing deficit is between 40 to 70 dB. All of the middle sounds for T1 fell between 40 and 70 dB.

This is a “sound banana.” (Found on Pinterest, source unknown.)

The middle sounds are between 500 and 3,000 Hz.

During the word tests, if they turned up the volume she could hear about 88% in one ear and 92% in the other.

Of course I asked if this was from earwax (a chronic problem for her)…nope, no wax to speak of. She hasn’t had an ear infection since 2012 that we know of and currently no fluid behind the ear drums. I asked if this was from earbuds and always wearing them… nope, no evidence of sound trauma from the other tests they performed. Looks like a nerve deficit.

To say that I was stunned is putting it mildly. T1 handled it great–she is relieved to know the hearing loss is real. Maybe her sister will stop picking on her and calling her deaf!

In short I contacted every family member I could, but I was desperate to hear from the Chief. I eventually called the ship on the satellite phone. Something I don’t think I’ve done in like 5 years.

The ENT is recommending either an amplifier or hearing aids but he wants to find the cause by ruling out some pretty serious genetic conditions. In case you weren’t aware, the inner ears and the kidneys form in utero at the same time. Often if one has kidney disease, one has a hearing problem and vice versa. So T1 needs a urinalysis. There are some chronic heart conditions, not “momentary” like my SVT, that also could indicate a hearing issue. So T1 needs an EKG. Need to find a pediatric cardiologist. The inner cochlear bones could be malformed. So T1 needs a CT scan. The ENT could order the CT scan but I needed to get her pediatrician to either do the other tests or order them.

And after talking to a friend who just got hearing aids, those will be a series of appointments as well… one to get a trial pair, one to see how the trial went, one to fit the ones we’ll buy, one to retest in the booth how they are working, etc.

And the Chief is at sea and due to circumstances out of his control may not get home until the end of August.

Pediatrician visit and urinalysis complete today. Her pediatrician, who had only started her private practice within the year T1 was born and had seen her less than a day old, was in as much shock as I was. We talked family medical history and about all the testing the ENT wanted. Opted to get T1 into Children’s Hospital for the cardiologist rather than just a routine clinic EKG. (“If there is a problem she’ll need a cardiologist anyway…”) Of course I couldn’t get into the closest branch until late September but by choosing a different branch she could be seen sooner and at least I don’t have to go all the way to the big city like when T2 had her first mystery illness. Cardiologist scheduled for the 7th and the CT scan will be local on the 10th. Follow-up with the ENT on the 28th.

Last night we told her private teacher for viola lessons about the hearing deficit. After his initial shock he said, “Now things make sense. She doesn’t self-correct like she should.” She has college scholarship auditions to prepare for–now we know we have additional work to accomplish.

Got a call today to see if we wanted to start the hearing aid process. I am not ready for that. Gadgets are not my thing. I know the Chief will research every model out there and have all the pros and cons and customer reviews on hand. He’ll look at cost and efficiency. He wants to know if this will be progressive. I’m going to wait until the 28th, crossing my fingers that he will be home, to start the process. I am not up to doing this alone.

On the drive home today T1 was silent so at the red light I signed, Are you okay? Of course she scowled at me. I had been jokingly signing I love you since the day before. I stopped giggling and said, “I have to joke about it because I think if I didn’t, I’d cry.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

The light turned green and I caught her out of the corner of my eye signing Are you okay?

“Maybe I have to find your old sign language books and watch YouTube to teach myself sign language. I might need it in the future.”

Like I said, she’s handling it better than I am.