November has flown by. I’m sitting here watching recorded episodes of Halloween Wars and starting to put up Christmas decorations. Crazy.
If you’ve been around for a while or checked out my archives, you may have gathered that this time of year can be so brutal for me. Thirteen years go I was unjustly attacked by a crazy relative and my birth father chose not to defend me. This retraumatized yet again. It was a pattern I was too close to see. It ultimately led to the development of GAD and brought on the onset of PsA the following year.
Last year over the course of six weeks (10/8-11/20) after a horrible day trip with my birth mother, sister, best friend, and our church group, I refused to speak to or acknowledge my birth mother for her behavior. My best friend witnessed it and said to me on the way home, “I finally see what you have been saying all along and I get it now.”
T1 had limited contact with my birth mother for years, based on her actions during T1’s senior year. I am devastated to say that I did little to protect T1 until it was too late. “Oh that’s just XX, ignore it.” Towing the party line and allowing the abusive behavior to continue and my daughter to get hurt.
During the six weeks neither T1 nor I answered any phone calls from her. T2 was as she had no issues with her. My birth father was calling and commiserating on the insanity and manipulation of his wife, how it was laughable and deranged.
Well lo and behold one night T2 was actually either in class or working and unable to answer when my birth mother called. This set off a series of events that ended with my birth father texting T2 to tell her to answer the phone even after I told him not to get involved. T2 (who has issues with him from years ago, for being judgemental and condescending) put him in his place–after giving him a chance to back off. She used big words and he laughably went off the deep end, accusing her of accusing him of things she never said. I refused to get involved.
He decided to email all of his relatives “She is lost to us.” I never read the full email. He sent her one last text “Have a good life little girl.” He called me Mrs. Chief like that was an insult (he *hates* my in-laws with a rabid passion). Oh, and he uninvited themselves to T1’s upcoming wedding.
So I consider 11/20 my Orphan Day. I thought about what I would write. I thought about how I would celebrate…kind of in the same vein as Divorce Parties. I scheduled a 2-hour massage! If the Chief was going to be home I wanted to take him to a fancy dress up dinner. I’ll post on what actually happened later.
As I said when restarting this blog I didn’t want to drag anyone through the mud. I’m trying to be a vague as possible. But my Orphan Day is really my Liberation Day and it is my future. I thought I would find more articles/resources on Intentional Orphaning but I really only found the two articles on a quick search.
Article 1 : Intentional Orphaninghttps://medium.com/@intentionalorphan/intentional-orphan-930313513b3f
Article 2 : Feeling Orphaned https://michellemaidenberg.com/feeling-orphaned-what-to-do-when-parents-dont-meet-your-emotional-needs/
I thought about these two articles a lot. I thought about the concept. Who orphaned who? I even started gaslighting *myself* when I felt a little too much pride in myself for *finally* standing up for myself and protecting me and my girls. (I really am so, so freaking proud of T2 and T1 for breaking generational trauma! I got so much strength and encouragement from them to do the same.)
By gaslighting I mean I could actually find reasons to justify why my birth parents cut *us* off. In the first article especially, the author chose to break ties. I didn’t do that. That hasn’t been my choice for more than 25 years. Over and over again, going back for more abuse, begging to be loved because I was somehow unworthy of love any other way. I’m sure in my birth parents’ eyes they were justified in disowning us. Some would call it ‘Tough Love’, setting boundaries against an unruly and dangerous child. My birth father was undoubtedly ‘protecting’ him and his wife against any accusations I and my daughters could make against them. After all, who wants to be accused of being horrible abusive people? But in even entertaining this POV, I was gaslighting myself, questioning if maybe I didn’t deserve to be disowned. There is certainly a time and place where a parent may have to intentionally orphan their child in order to protect themselves, other children, and to hopefully finally get the child to turn their life around. This is *not* the case here.
This is me intentionally accepting that I no longer have parents. This is me accepting that generational trauma was affecting my children. This is me separating myself from decades of abuse. This is me saying I will never again beg to be loved by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, to protect me, support me.
And while it didn’t start off great–the Chief and I *finally* after 25+ years are on the same page about this (I so badly wanted a white knight riding in to fight my battles, never realizing it wasn’t his battle to fight and that he had been riding beside me all along)–this has honestly been a year of Liberation. A year of really looking at the trauma. A year of finally allowing the healing 25+ years of therapy should have given me. A year of letting go and being reborn. I have more work to do but it’s amazing what I’m seeing after the blinders have come off.
I have much to be thankful for, not the least of which is the Chief for standing by me, for T1 & T2 for inspiring me, for chosen family who love me unconditionally.
snipewife 