Really it’s not but I try to ignore the 13th of March as if it doesn’t exist. I don’t want it to exist. I’m not sure if I’ve blogged about this before…I haven’t checked the archives. To recap, my birthday is a trauma anniversary and if I celebrate too early, something bad happens. If I don’t control how the anniversary of my birth is acknowledged, something bad happens. Odds never seem to be in my favor so I’d rather not observe my birthday.
When I was seven we celebrated my birthday early because we were going to my grandfather’s retirement party. Our car was vandalized at the party and it would be the last time we saw my grandfather alive. He died of cancer about a month later.
I won’t go into other birthdays that left a sour taste in my mouth. Were they all bad? No. I mean who doesn’t want to turn 13 on Friday the 13th? And last year in Goa, India, on a trip with the Chief?! Wow!
This year I turned 50. I’ve accepted that 2/3rd of my life is over and I’m really not sure I’ll see 75. I’ve raised my girls; both will be productive adults; one is married. I guess I hope I live long enough to see grandchildren but I wonder if that’s not too much to ask for.
I was on spring break but the Chief is at sea so he can be home for T2’s college graduation. I wanted to do something, anything not to be stuck at home, stuck in my thoughts. T1 and hubby were agreeable to a visit. I was going to fly but I offered to bring a sewing desk I wasn’t using out to them. I told them they didn’t have to entertain me–I could sightsee on my own or spend a lazy day with the grandpuppy and grandkitty. No fuss needed to be made. Plans were set a few weeks before and I was confident I could avoid any unnecessary celebrating.
But a letter or card arrived one day. The handwriting is distinctive. No return address. Why after 15 and half months does my birth mother attempt to contact me? Why would you pick a trauma anniversary? It’s been three weeks. I haven’t opened it. I did tell the Chief about it because I’m supposed to be sharing these kinds of things with him per my therapist. But I also told him I wasn’t going to discuss it. I wasn’t going to be forced to read it.
I told my sister-in-law about it. One day I may give it to her to read and objectively let me know if I should read it myself and choose a response. She let T1 & T2 know about it… perhaps that’s why they, along with my mother-in-law sent gifts to T1’s house for me to open on my actual birthday. The Chief put money in T1’s account and had her get me flowers and a cake.
But when I was doing touristy things, fulfilling a childhood dream (or as close to it as possible), my birth mother tried calling. Not only did she call my cellphone, she called my house phone too. I have not listened to either message she left.
The stress and anxiety of traveling alone, being in pain for lumbar scoliosis (another post some time in the near future), anxiety from the cPTSD…all traveled with me. They didn’t go away just because I left the state. And I honestly couldn’t just hide in the guest room and do nothing all week–I could have stayed home for that! And she had to try and contact me on my birthday?
I have since found out another piece of the puzzle… My birth father is going to be having back surgery in a few short days. My sister felt the need to tell me. “I know how angry I was when no one told me he had been in the hospital for a week when he wasn’t speaking to me for three months.” It’s laughable really. I don’t think she was intentionally being their Flying Monkey and genuinely thought to spare me any shock. But that she acknowledged the nasty abusive behavior in the same sentence and accepted it is just further proof she will never stand up to them. I just shook my head and said, “Oh, I trust you’ll tell me when the end has come.”
What I didn’t voice was ‘Just know that I won’t be there for him if she goes first, and I won’t be there for her if he goes first. I will be there for you and only you because of the burden you shouldn’t have to carry (but you can’t see that).’ And ‘How do you worry about/mourn for someone who considers you dead to them?’ Or conversely, ‘How does a dead person mourn?’
Either way, this explains the letter and the phone calls and my birthday was just a convenient ploy to contact me. It oozes narcissism. It smacks of previous interactions. It was never about my birthday. At least this is my assumption and I could be totally wrong.
I am left with other thoughts. Forgiveness vs. Toxic Christianity. I touched on it in my post about Intentional orphaning. Why do we assume forgiveness should always mean reconciliation? Why do we say things like “But they’re your parents” or “Family is everything” or “Forgive and let it go”? Why is the offended expected to keep the lines of communication open, to attempt reconciliation? How backwards is that?!
Matthew 18:22 is Jesus’ answer to the question of how many times should a person forgive/be forgiven. 7×70 or 70×70 depending on the translation. The implication is that there is no limit, do it until you lose count. I have forgiven. I can say “Peace be with you. Go with God,” and walk away. When the anger burns in me I have to forgive all over again, it’s a daily struggle sometimes. But I do it. And I do it even though my birth family has never apologized.
Matthew 5:38-40 talks about turning the other cheek. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve turned the cheek and begged for reconciliation as if I was the one in the wrong. There is a reason we only have two cheeks to slap. I don’t believe God wants us to return to abuse. Second chances, maybe third… But over and over? I know God forgave the Israelites over and over (and over again)…but it was also after repentance and returning to Him. So wouldn’t it stand to reason that the offendER has to make the attempt at reconciliation? If I ever thought it was genuine and true change would occur, yes, I would reconcile. It would never be the same, but I would have a relationship of some form with them.
I doubt my own thoughts about this. Am I twisting scriptures to soothe my guilt? I sought advice from a Biblically sound and impartial person. Matt. 3:8 says repentance will produce fruit. Change would be evident. He gave me 1 Tim. 6:3-8 to demonstrate that there are things (and people) we are to turn away from if it is not righteous and wholesome. 2 Tim. 3:2-5 was also given to me as a way of saying some people just wear the appearance of piety…and we should not be reconciled with those people. I suspect my friend knows a bit more about my situation than we have ever discussed.
It’s just so hard when I feel there are so few who could ever understand my choices. Christ died on the cross to bring about lasting reconciliation that no mere human and no amount of sacrificing could bring about. But it isn’t automatic. The offender still has to repentant, still has to produce fruit of the change, be obedient, and want true reconciliation.
Well, this is about a month’s worth of posting… I hope you have stuck with me. I hope it’s not too preachy. I hope this resonates and yet if you truly understand, I am sorry for what has shaped you.
Happy Easter.
snipewife 