Why is it…?

when I get to feeling good emotionally and mentally it feels like the world around me is trying to steal my peace and joy? The Chief and I are good–missing each other terribly but good, the girls are good, the dogs are good, my immediate job situation doesn’t suck.

But seriously, here’s an example. There is a meme out there about ‘how quiet life became once I stopped texting first.’

My cell phone became a brick back on August 31. This was not a good day. Work stank and I had actually told the Chief once I got one of the credit cards paid off I was going to quit at the end of December. I didn’t know my number was bricked for almost a week. It took my Bestie texting me through FB Messenger and asking me if I was mad at her to realize I had missed a week’s worth of texting. My lovely SIL thought I was mad at her for who knows what when I didn’t respond to pictures that I never got of our MIL buying a car with her. It’s almost Oct. 31st…still no working phone number.

But yes, it’s been quiet. Who thinks I have ghosted them? Who even noticed I stopped texting? Who doesn’t care? I had this thought that I should reshare this meme to my FB and kind of call out people.

Where does that thought come from? 🤦🏻‍♀️ Why do I want to be that petty? Go. If you don’t want to be in my life, go. I’m not going to fight for something the other person didn’t see of the same value. “Hey now, SnipeWife, maybe they’re going through a lot. You could have some compassion.” Sure but we’re all going through a lot. If you’re life is that bad that you never have a good enough moment to be able to check on other people maybe you don’t need me in your life.

As I said my immediate job is going better and I’ll probably stick out the year at least. The Chief and his retirement or not retiring will determine what I do. But elsewhere in the school? Suddenly I’m stuck in the middle of feuding departments for one of my add-on duties. I can see both sides. Can’t they compromise? I feel like I’m playing both sides and that I’m being played–masterfully–and I don’t like that and I don’t want that reputation.

*I also just discovered that I made huge mistake back in August (a week before the bricked phone) when I was in the throws of my emotional flashback and wanting to quit my job. My short-term or long-term memory is greatly affected by stress levels. And upon discovering my mistake thankfully I was able to personally apologize, take responsibility, and was given grace by the other parties–something my previous bosses traumatized me over with their lack of grace and compassion. Interestingly I was not afraid to go to these two individuals because I’m learning to stand up for myself. I was prepared to apologize and walk away if they chose to berate and attack me. That’s the kind of peace though that I feel is trying to be stolen from me.

I know a few younger couples through my D&D hobby and when I see them struggling with their marriages, my heart aches for them. Then I worry and T1 and her new marriage. Will they weather life’s storms? Are they doing okay?

I don’t want to be oblivious to the problems around me. I don’t want to borrow trouble either. Intrusive thoughts like to dig deep. I want to respond. I’m not a fair-weather friend but I’m sad by the reality that so many I counted as ‘friends’ seem to be. Wow, you need to figure how to pick better friends, SnipeWife. I’m almost 50–making new friends is harder than ever. I want to be petty, not compassionate because the compassion I’ve shown doesn’t seem valued or respected. But being petty smacks of begging and I am done begging for anyone to want me in their life. Done. I deserve more.

So go. The text messages technically stopped well before I got bricked. Only one of us was putting in the effort anyway.

Adult Kids Are Neat

As I briefly mentioned in my re-introduction, T1 is MARRIED! Yup, I have a son-in-law. She met her husband in the Fall of 2019 and was dating him at the time the pandemic hit. In fact, they had just spent a week with us on break and made it back to campus in time to get locked down. His parents graciously opened their home to her and let her stay with them for the remainder of the school year. And their relationship flourished.

T1 graduated on time in 2022 but our son-in-law had to retake a class and that gave him an extra year. She started her job a month later and settled in the midwest. Not getting to graduate together and start their lives right away I think was a mixed blessing. It gave them time. It meant one person dictated where the other would look for jobs instead of making that decision together. When they visited for their break in 2022 she had gotten her hoped-for job offer via email just before they started the drive home. We sat down with them and discussed the offer at length. I remember being very direct with him and saying, “Not to be rude, but I don’t see a ring, so this decision is hers. That being said, if she settles in XYZ, what are your job prospects?” It was very different than my merchant mariner spouse experience because the Chief could live anywhere I needed to move for work. Thankfully XYZ is very central to places our son-in-law eventually found work.

T2 is about to graduate next spring. Where she ends up is anyone’s guess. Hopefully the Chief and I can find a place midway between them.

We currently have a twice-a-month D&D game on Tuesday nights. T1, Son-in-law, and T2 all join over Discord while friend from Girl Scouts, and my “oldest daughter and her husband” (I think I wrote about this and our Christmas cards) all join in person and I’m trying my best to be the Dungeon Master. 😛 It’s not the time commitment of a weekly game and we can be a little flexible about which weeks we meet. And one week everyone joined on Discord so that we weren’t sharing germs. The Chief does not play–he said he played enough in the 80s. But he definitely encourages and supports our playing. It’s letting us get together even apart.

T1 and the Son-in-Law (I need to come up with a shorter, cuter nickname… when I see of SIL, I think sister-in-law)… just hosted everyone for our annual Halloween amusement park trip. Yup, we all drove out to their new house (8 hours for my in-laws and my niece, and 10 hours for T2 and I because I had to drive 2 hours south to pick her up before we headed west). It was so neat to see them “adulting” and showing us around. The amusement park was fabulous, even in the drizzle. And yes, I screamed and screamed like I haven’t screamed in years! I’m pretty sure Son-in-law and his sister (who also joined us) think I am nuts but I had everyone and the monsters laughing so hard! T1 hadn’t been with us on a haunted house trip since 2017! Wow! How I missed spending this time with her. We have decided we will make a bucket list of amusement parks and haunted attractions to visit each year and we will all meet up. We just chose the closer one to them this year because neither one had vacation time (she used all of hers for the wedding and he just started his job in July). Maybe next year T2’s job will determine the location. Can’t wait!

Everyone, and hopefully the Chief, will be home in a few weeks for Thanksgiving. We started celebrating Christmas on Thanksgiving morning and it’s become a tradition I hope we continue. It makes my heart full. Definitely enjoying this season of our lives. But it is always better when the Chief is here too…

So What Prompted This?

Why have I decided to resurrect this blog? To get famous of course! JK! ‘Famous’ would actually be the last thing I would want and if I even begin to entertain that thought I begin to spiral and paralyze myself. But in the off-chance I ever get called to talk about this blog and my experiences, I do need to self-censor to protect the innocent.

I decided to start writing again because I was connecting dots. I am more successful at that, at facing some hard realities, if it’s in writing. Writing things down actually helps me from obsessively “rewriting” in my head.

The past 11 months have provided so much clarity and understanding of my past, my present, and giving me hope for the future. In order to work on healing more deeply and successfully than I have for the past 25+ years of therapy, I need to dig deep. Call a spade a spade. Stop the gaslighting from others–and myself! Connecting dots, seeing patterns, and giving myself permission to stand up against the generational abuse and trauma is exactly what I need.

I may not go in depth here but if I have an ah-ha moment, I will try to share so that others might gain from my experiences. Two articles that helped me recently were on the topics of ‘intentional or purposely orphaning’ and ’emotional flashbacks’. Being able to put a label on an experience and know that others have gone through the same things has been immensely helpful and also allowed my brain to stop cycling.

For lack of any better explanation I am an orphan. I’ll try to write about that when I feel safe enough to do so, and can protect others who don’t need to be dragged into the mud. I can’t even say the upcoming anniversary is a loss or sad occasion. In fact I told my therapist I’m calling it Liberation Day and plan to celebrate. Isn’t that like Divorce Parties?

The other recent experience had to do with what I learned is called ’emotional flashbacks’. I have had an actual flashback, experiencing the sights, sounds, physical sensations of a past traumatic event and not being in the present. But I didn’t realize that new experiences and stressors can harken back to the physical and emotional response of our bodies if it produces the same response. I had the most idyllic summer after T1’s wedding. The Chief and I were in synch, relaxed, communicating, enjoying each other and our empty nest. My mind and body were relaxed. But two days before the school year started I began to have night terrors. My brain and body ramped back up, responding to the stress. I spent six weeks on alert–back in Fight or Flight. It wasn’t until I read the article that I connected the dots that the new stressors felt exactly like old stressors and I ‘flashed back.’ Once I had an understanding and a label, and a therapy session, I was able to process and dial back the trauma response. I’m not as defensive at work and I am sleeping better.

I plan to share links in the future to things like those two articles. It’s late tonight so it won’t be in this post. Hopefully my dots will help someone else connect their dots too.

Who’s a Good Boy?

Part 2

It was hard to lose both Hedwig and Simi-Ruthie less than five months apart. To go from four dogs back down to two was an odd feeling. I didn’t feel a need to rush to the greyhound/sighthound groups to fill the house again.

In fact it was almost 9 months before I even really looked. I think the Chief was looking more than me and I kept saying we can’t/shouldn’t get another dog until one-too-many-concussions Artie turned 7. Then very randomly I saw a post for the need for an emergency foster on the Facebook page for one of our groups. I walked out of my office and said to the Chief “We need to go get him.”

His story was very similar to Simi-Ruthie’s. Was it a coincidence that I saw the post on Hedwig and Crookshanks’ birthday?

The Chief just sighed, reminded me of my “not until Artie is 7” rule, and drove to meet the owner at the halfway point. Of course we were ‘just fostering’ but it was obvious we were going to ‘fail’ from the start.

Felix, a 5 1/2 year old 115 lb. (overweight) male Borzoi, came to live with us on December 5, 2021. It did take me about three weeks to make his adoption official. Just putting off the inevitable.

We had our work cut out for us once again. He was ‘fluffy’ and not in a good way. He was sleep reactive even worse than Simi. I have come to the conclusion some breeders let go of Borzois too soon and without the necessary socializing. And people get these dogs and have no idea what they are in for… I know we barely were but we weren’t going to give up on Simi or Felix. Borzois need a pack and they need to be raised with other dogs.

Felix definitely took to the Chief. Much the way Bailey Boy is his. It was okay with me. I wasn’t looking to replace Simi. Artemis was definitely mine and she was deliriously happy.

We had interesting times with T1’s Bassett Hound that she named HarleyQuinn. Artie was really the only one who tolerated the puppy. She was doing her Alpha job trying to train the puppy. Bailey and Felix couldn’t get away from her fast enough.

T1 got HQ in 2020 pretty much without our blessing. In fact I had been encouraging her to apply for a hearing assistance dog which has a two year waiting period. However once T1 gets an idea in her head she rarely gives it up. She kept visit pet stores and researching breeds/breeders. It took her almost a week to tell us she got the puppy. What was done was done. We did help her locate a reputable trainer and paid for sessions. Just to be clear, HQ was too stubborn to qualify to be a certified emotional support animal. Needless to say T1 never submitted her application for the hearing assistant dog.

In March of 2022 I was home alone. T1’s quarter break was in early February and T2’s spring break was a week before my weeklong break. The Chief was back at sea. I had scheduled Bailey Boy’s dental cleaning on one of my days off. I had my own appointment with my rheumatologist in the city so it was just a busy day. I will never forget the call I got when I was on the interstate driving home. The vet was beside herself. All I could hear was “we did everything we could…” He had come through the cleaning without any issues. Simi was the one who always had arrhythmia…I didn’t worry too much about the greyhounds. But in his recovery kennel the tech noticed he was laboring to breathe. They tried to revive him when he arrested. I asked if I could see him and drove straight there.

I called the Chief, sobbing. To his credit it was only months later that he told me he was having a terrible day in the engine room. He never let on. He said it was because I called and his concern was that I be able to drive on the interstate. He even asked me to pull over.

Unlike when you go in for a euthanasia, they put Bailey Boy on the counter, wrapped in a blanket. I had been on the floor with Cassiopeia, Crookshanks, and Simi-Ruthie. To see 70 lb Bailey Boy wrapped up and so tiny on the counter was hard. It was such a different pain. With Hedwig knowing she was 12 and most likely had no distress, it took away some of the pain. And to be alone, going home without him, was so hard.

The vet was devasted. The practice would do an investigation and give us the findings if we wanted them. The whole practice was genuinely sorry for our loss. I appreciated that and I truly sympathized with the vet.

“Now we know why we got Felix,” the Chief later said. It was still hard to lose three dogs in the span of 15 months.

It is now October 2023. We still just have Artemis and Felix. They are both 7. Even though I tried to say they were 8 for most of this year. Because these two are what I call “special needs” I am definitely sticking to my guns that we will not add more dogs any time soon. I let them on our bed now–just for naps though. They keep me company when I am home alone. T2 has really claimed Felix and she has promised (threatened?) to take Felix with her when she gets settled in her first place next year after graduation. Yes, she’s still allergic to him but they love each other. She even requested the Chief bring him to visit campus.

I’ll know when the time is right to get more dogs. It’s definitely not right now!