Posts Tagged ‘trauma’

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Musings of my Blog-iversary

December 9, 2014

So 11 days ago WordPress kindly reminded me that I have been masquerading as Snipe Wife for 4 years now. Wow. Hard to believe. I also now have 200+ followers. If you’ve read my blog long enough you know how I feel about at least 50 of those being robots or people who just want to hawk their own websites and having nothing to do with merchant marine affairs or anything else I post about. Really, WordPress, why can’t I click “delete” on some of these pointless follows? But 200 followers in 4 years is not bad for being an anonymous blog.

I had started the blog with much trepidation but with amazing support from a fellow blogger. I spent the month posting on FaceBook my 30 days of thanks and posted them on Dec. 1st. I honestly don’t know which FB friend started that but for 4 years now I have continued the tradition.

Four years ago I suffered probably the second most traumatizing event in my life. If you read the last few entries on that list, I described a desperation and despondency; anxiety that would spiral out of control; a pain that would stick with me for years. The purpose of the list is to count your blessings. I don’t post on FB “If you love Jesus, you’ll repost this” pithy sayings and “challenges” … instead I was trying to list what I was more than grateful for, knowing the source of all the blessings in my life. My intent was to never stand before anyone and say “Thank God I’m not like that tax collector; look at what I do” (Luke 18:9-14). My intent was not to make anyone else feel bad they didn’t have fabulous baby sitters to make their lives easier or to criticize anyone else’s husbands who can’t stand in the Chief’s amazing shadow. But my attempt to just show, rather than “repost”, my gratitude was twisted in the brutal attack.

The following years I debated even doing the list but I felt it was important to write these blessings down, to show my children later so that they too could appreciate all that we have been blessed with to cultivate giving hearts in them. I would struggle and lose steam as the month wore on and I got closer to the anniversary of that trauma. I questioned whether posting such a list was vain and pithy and whether it made others uncomfortable. And yet as I read the daily posts of other friends who joined in, I never saw the same flaws in their lists. I was encouraged and uplifted by their thoughtful lists. I was much harder on myself.

Interesting that I saw a lot of 3-day and 7-day thanks challenges starting in the fall this year. I did not participate because I was going to make my 30 Days of Thanks again this year. And it was going to be different. I was going to truly focus of finding something that day that I was thankful for. I would make it less of a laundry list. Yes, I always started off with giving credit where credit was due–that wouldn’t change. But if I was thankful for a rainy day then I would thank God for that rain. Yes, I’m still thankful for my fabulous friends and babysitters and I can’t live without them but I was focusing on the little things, the things we really take for granted.

I didn’t necessarily post every day; instead toward the end of the month I posted every couple of days. Not because I lost steam or had doubts… I just wanted to think about the thing I was most thankful for.

I didn’t lose steam because I didn’t hear those brutal words anymore. There was a fundamental shift in letting it go. Letting go and trusting in healing God provided me. It wasn’t over night but it was so much better than the two years of pain that left me with generalized anxiety and the onset of psoriatic arthritis. The healing continued to evolve and my trust in God has grown.

I’ve even told total strangers on the merchant mariner wives FB that I write this blog. I haven’t given up on this blog, I just write when the mood strikes me. I’m less self-conscious about it … even coming to terms with creating boundaries with the Chief about his input. Four years… lots to be grateful for, lots of lessons learned. Lots of healing.

To my 200+ followers, real or not, thank you for sticking with me on this journey.

 

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Be Brave

April 5, 2012

I really should do these earlier in the week! This week’s bench message is:

Be Brave

What makes a person brave? Copyright SnipeWife

We aren’t all called to be heroes but don’t even the greatest heroes say it would be foolish not to be scared in the face of a threat. We can learn from that.

Brave are the men and women who serve this country in its military forces. Brave are the men and women married to those same heroes who hold down the fort at home. Brave are the mothers who give their children to the military to defend our freedoms.

Brave are the men and women who fight our fires, who pull us from wrecked cars, who fight to save our lives in emergency rooms.

For the rest of us… sometimes being brave is just “Letting Go and Letting God”. Facing the day, facing the trials can at times require an immense amount of bravery. Bravery not to give up the fight.

Brave are the men and women who daily walk with trauma and its unseen scars, who struggle to overcome knowing they will never be the same. I am humbled by their courage to face the day, especially when what I struggle with doesn’t even compare.

Brave are the men and women who face cancer or other diseases with such optimism. Brave are the ones who accept with dignity when the time has come to let go.

We don’t have to be brave alone. “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Phil. 4:13 (NIV) We are never alone.

When I was little I was afraid of the dark. When it would be really bad I would sleep as close to the wall as possible and never turn my back to the open. I would imagine a ball of light surrounding me–Jesus’ light–and nothing could get into that ball of light. That positive imagery was so soothing, so comforting. Even as an adult for relaxation and “talking down from a heightened state” that faith in Jesus and His light still do wonders for me.

One of my children has been more afraid of the dark than the other. I shared with her the “secret” of my Light Ball and my faith in Him. She added her own touch–a quick little whistle to announce the ball of light to all would be creatures that went bump in the night.

It takes a brave person to stand up for another, to stand up for a belief. I tell my children it takes great bravery and courage to tell an adult if they see someone hurt or in danger, especially if they fear getting someone or themselves in trouble. It is not always easy doing the right thing.

I am not as brave as I would like to be. I’ve often said the PsA has made a sissy out of me (low pain tolerance).

As I was thinking about this post, Garth Brooks’ “Standing Outside the Fire” came to mind. The word brave is not used in the actual song but it is about being brave, about living and daring to get burned.

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you’re standing outside the fire

If you would like to post on the topic Be Brave, just let me know and I’ll get us linked up.

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Personal: Fruits of the Spirit 3

April 2, 2011

My thoughts here are for my edification. I have definite opinions that are, for lack of better terms, of a conservative bent and will most likely offend on some level readers of this blog. My intent is not to offend. Nor is it to open up to debate my personal beliefs. If my beliefs cannot be respected, please  do not continue reading this post and come back on another day.

The Fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.        Isaiah 32:17

It’s been a while but I have posted a few things that I have categorized under Faith. My I Know for Sure list helped to focus and center on the positive things I know come from God, and to even see some of the negative in a better light.

On this Saturday morning before I head out to the cold soccer field, I don’t feel peace let alone righteousness. I don’t feel quietness or confidence.

Ultimately I know it is Jesus that stands up for me and that is all that matters. But on this earth when others do not stand up for you–even if they tell you that you are in the right–hurts and leaves scars.

In my case I know I am not 100% guilt free in the situation. Even if I say “there is no way anyone could have known my true thoughts/intentions because I only expressed them to Ms. X,” in this day and age you never know what kind of electronic trail you may have left.

In my case I was left wondering if there wasn’t a grain of truth in the accusations against my character. Have I done or said anything (other than the false accusations) to make another person believe such falsehoods or serious character flaws?

And in the back of your mind you have to wonder about the person who didn’t stand up for you. I often come to two conclusions: either I’m not worth standing up for because there is some truth about those character flaws or I’m just not loved enough by that person. Ouch.

I’ve said I hold myself to high standards. I want to be righteous (because I know I’m not always right). The definition of righteous can mean “justifiable” and the definition of justified is “having a good or legitimate reason; declared or made righteous in the sight of God.” (New Oxford American Dictionary) The only thing I should, therefore, concern myself is that I have been justified by Christ’s sacrifice. I can’t earn it or purchase it and it is only God’s opinion that should ever matter.

I can see where that peace, quietness, and confidence should come from–God is the source. God gives us these things as fruits when we are obedient to Him and seek justification.

“… rising He justified, freely forever” (One Day! original; Glorious Day, 2010)

Jesus stood up for me.

It is in this justified state, though, that I am concerned I am not living up to something I cannot possible earn or repay. It does matter to me if someone finds fault with my character or action. I want to be able to correct it and make amends.

And I believe this is why the peace, quietness, and confidence is currently eluding me. In this particular case there will be no resolution, no chance to confront, correct or make amends. Doubt will always linger. The not knowing will give rise to even more insecurity. I just wanted someone to stand up for me, here and now, to my accuser.

I know God is already at work helping me to come to terms and accepting what will never be and I know He is quietly telling me His peace will be enough. In time, I will know that peace.

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It’s Going to Be Rough

March 27, 2011

I was really hoping having DH home would give me the chance to rest and catch up; to recover from the stress and garbage heaped on me back in November as a result of a brutal attack from someone I should have been able to trust. Instead I have spent the last 80 days going from one illness or event to another and I am not rested by any means.

I had all those breathing issues–which could very well have been all from the stress or may be related to my heart condition or to strained muscles from E.o.t.T. I have had two sinus infections that have laid me out flat for days. I had no idea I seem to be so sick until everyone kept asking me at church this morning and commenting that my FB posts are one illness after another.

And I’m not bouncing back. Not when I have to play catch up to make up for all the down time. DH has totally picked up the slack. He has spent the weekend getting T1 and T2 through their science fair projects so that the experiments are done before he leaves. He’s trying to get pinewood derby cars designed and cut. I still have to give him my home business tax information so we can file by Tuesday.

If I were completely honest, the days that I lay curled in bed with a fever and my Kindle, with no one to see, nowhere to go, DH taking care of everything–getting the children up, ready for school, dealing with them when they got home, and even leaving the big bed for me to sleep in alone–I was happy in my own little cocoon.

I get enjoyment out of solitary things or even things with the family, just us. But everything else–scouts, church, PTA, soccer, volunteering at the school or even subbing–I have to work myself up into actually wanting to do them. I don’t want to do them and I really could care less. Even on DH’s trip, the most stressful day for me was the one with the spouses. I don’t want to be involved in any activity that puts me “out there”. I don’t want to be vulnerable to criticism and attacks. And when these “chores” are done, I crash hard and I need alone time.

Before I raise any more flags than I already have, those flags went up for me more than a month ago. I am taking steps to get out of this funk. This is not like me. However, the nature of what happened in November left me scarred and walls went up in a very normal defensive reaction for me. But the reaction has become so extreme and has lasted way too long. And I should have seen it from the start but I just kept hoping “once DH gets home…” It feels as if he came home just yesterday and now I’m working on the laundry to make sure all his work clothes are ready to be repacked. It also feels as if because of physical illness I am no better than I was.

I don’t know how I am going to meet the needs of my children. T1 is always very needy when DH goes to sea. I’ve written about that before. Now T2 is at a critical age (8 1/2) where I had issues with T1. All I can do is tell T2 to learn from example and really think about whether T1 got anything more than in MORE trouble for the back talking, the excuse making to try to justify bad behavior when we’ve been caught, and the sudden introduction of exaggeration and melodrama into all of our expression.

I am not a patient person. I am even less so now and I feel so sorry for my children. I’ve already told T1 I will need all the help I can get and I expect the use of common sense. I’ve told T2 I will find time to have Momma-Child time with just T2. Oh, and this came on the same weekend when T1 was jealous and mad that T2 got her dream dress for Father-Daughter and not 24 hours later T2 expressed how much she hates getting hand-me-downs. I can’t win. If only they knew how jealous of each other they were.

I really hope that the very demanding schedule (I seem to enjoy being on the go) and the hopeful return of spring weather will help. I also hope that the busyness will help the children be less apt to act up–or at least I can just throw them in bed as soon as we get home so I don’t have to deal. The only problem that seems to be cropping up is a great deal of forgetfulness that I usually do not have.

Maybe I’ve started this blog at just the right time. The whole anonymous thing is part of that stress. I have a lot to share but I’m not ready for anyone close to me to know about this blog. I’m not sure what I’m worried about–except for crazy spam referer days or if I mention any Garth Brooks songs I only have 6 regular readers (yeah! I’m up from 4!). Oh, but three of you know who I am… well, you may get to know me better, warts and all.

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