Archive for May, 2012

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May 31st

May 31, 2012

Where has the time gone?

The Chief is home. We’re trying to make the most of the time but we’re already thinking about his shipping out date and a conference scheduled during what should be his weekends, holidays, and vacation time. Next month we are arranging to have T2 at a friend’s while T1 is at a middle school conference. What will we do with the time? Hopefully not some home improvement project but a day trip or two.

T1 is finishing her first year of middle school. She had a rough quarter and has learned some tough lessons. Group projects: everyone is responsible for the grade of the group and if you have one slacker you have to do their work too–but make sure the teacher knows! Turning in work on time saves a lot of heartache. Natural talent will not carry you through if you choose not to practice. Standardized tests are frustrating to everyone.

But she’s growing into a beautiful young woman with all the milestones and tribulations of turning 12. She has navigated 6th grade with a mix of immaturity, maturity, and grace. She’s tried new things–orchestra and acting. She’s survived 8th grade math. She chose to switch back to her very first soccer team now that it is a mixed-age league and she had her first-ever winning season, learning to improve now that she was no longer one of the stronger links. And she’s even read a book behind my back that I asked her to wait to read. (I really can’t fault her on this because I did the same in 6th grade and so did my mother.)

And I wasn’t there, hovering in the background. A mixed blessing of the PsA?

T2 … will start 5th grade in August. Our last year in elementary school. T1 always seems to be about the “firsts” but T2 is all about the “lasts.” I’m glad we did not hold her back so that she can have her moments without competing with T1’s moments finishing middle school. T2’s 5th grade year will be “lasts” for me and the relationships I made with the teachers I entrusted my girls to, for my volunteer obligations. Oh sure I’ll be there substituting but somehow I don’t think it will be the same. I am looking forward to sharing these moments with T2 and will do all I can to make them special for her.

We have a busy summer ahead of us. June is full of scouts and both T1 and the Chief have conferences to attend. The Chief will depart in early July and we have church camp. August will be here before we know it and school starts early!

I want to enjoy every day. I want to make the most of every day. That is going to have to start with relying more on God every day, changing my relationship with Him. I’m working on it, trying to listen for him in the still quiet voice. I’m trying not to resist him as I do daily.

If you want a blog post to uplift you today as it did me, check out Reasons to Hope.

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Memorial Day 2012

May 28, 2012
Memorial Day Flag

Memorial Day Flag (Photo credit: Seth J)

It is a quiet day for us. T1 and I are recuperating from her first ren faire experience all in garb, greeting patrons and educating about greyhounds and greyhound adoptions. It was hot! Crook and Heddie provided quite the comedy of errors and enjoyed all the adoring fans and 6 other greyhounds to play with… or sleep with. T2 has yet to return from a sleep-over and I understand is at her second BBQ for the weekend.

I am thankful to all those who gave their lives in service to our country to preserve our freedoms. Let us never make their sacrifices be in vain.

I sometimes find that I take these freedoms for granted.

Last year I posted a link to an organization that is attempting to bring veterans to DC for them to visit the different war memorials that honor the sacrifices of their fallen service men and women. That link is no longer valid. Please visit Honor Flight Network. (As their website states they are the only non-profit organization as there are two for-profit groups that charge for these tours.)

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Wrap Me Up in Silver Ribbons

May 24, 2012

The thing about PTSD is that it can be ever evolving. It is hard for us, the ones going through it, to understand and hard for our families.

Tonight I’m in an okay place. But this hasn’t been the case for several weeks. A couple of times it was a scary place.

I am learning that I can’t say I “had” PTSD… maybe one day but not today. I am taking steps to make sure that the PTSD doesn’t “have” me though.

Whenever we face a life event (either positive or negative) or we suffer additional trauma we runt he risk of symptoms returning. Or maybe the symptoms never left and we got really adept at managing them. I am learning that I only had band-aids on my wounds. I never knew this, never even questioned it. Recently, the trauma and the stress not only ripped that band-aid off but it took the scab and scars and showed that the wound never healed.

There is a positive to going through this right now because then I won’t be blind-sided later during major life-events such as my child’s wedding or the death of a parent, etc.–events that have nothing to do with my PTSD but the very emotional nature of such events takes away a lot of control from a person. I can be more prepared.

Especially if I finally take care of this wound.

Until I do it is influencing all aspects of my life right now–my ability to be the mother T1 & T2 need, to be a spouse, to handle the Chief’s sailing schedule, my health. Another thing I am learning is that I am looking through cracked glasses again. Not only is my ability to see shades of gray in a situation impaired, my ability to see others in my life for themselves and not with a crack is impaired. That is not fair to anyone involved. Am I angry with my fellow volunteer because of something they actually did or did not do, or am I angry because they remind me of someone who hurt me? My glasses are so cracked right now that I cannot give an honest answer.

In the chaos of all of this I have some how misplaced the Marriage Rule Book, the Sane Parenting Guide, and the Volunteer’s Manual on How to Avoid Burn-out. Without these rules, without feeling in control, I am flying blind. And it is a scary place to be.

Let’s throw on top of all that the physical and pharmacological effects of the PsA–which may have been triggered by the very stress I was under! Months of being in pain without relief or a diagnosis takes all control away. I know the longer I was on steroids the more my mood was altered. I know half a dose of a sleep aid will send me into a tailspin the following day. I’m taking medicines that enable me to walk pain-free but could possibly alter my mood significantly. What is the PsA, the PTSD, or the drugs?

What is my REAL mood? Do I have any control?

Facing the huge elephant in the room has helped. Confiding in a few friends about what was going on and including telling them about this blog has been good for me. It is keeping me grounded and accountable. It is helping me resist the urge to circle the wagons and run for the hills. It is keeping me from shutting down this blog.

It is keeping me from shutting down.

I have a great deal of work to do. I am enjoying my time with the Chief–I think we were at least able to take a bite out of the elephant and he is being as supportive as ever.

One day at a time. One foot forward. One more word blogged.

 

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Presidential Proclamation — National Maritime Day, 2012 | The White House

May 22, 2012

Presidential Proclamation — National Maritime Day, 2012 | The White House.

About 6 hours ago the official proclamation from the White House came through. Told you–DC traffic in the rain slows everything down.

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