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What a Week … I’m Glad It Is Over

I feel like I could be a walking poster child for Cymbalta or Abilify … you know, the one where the voice over asks, “Who does Depression hurt?” Everyone. “Where does Depression hurt?” Everywhere.

It just wasn’t a good week. As I mentioned in my last post, the Chief was having his bout of “PMS” and things got a little snippy between us. He had to also get up at 3:30 AM to drive himself to the airport. Not a good night of sleep to begin with and then I couldn’t go back to sleep till almost 7 AM.

All day I was kind of “blah”. But the weather was gorgeous! We’re talking 70 degrees! So the girls and I walked the dogs. But by 5 o’clock I was feeling anxious and my skin was “itching.” For the first time I actually thought going for a run would be a good idea. So run I did.

That’s when I noticed the achy feeling. I began to think about it. The only time I feel like this during E.o.t.T. is either when I am 1., running a low-grade fever, or 2., I am not 100% my emotional best. I can pinpoint times in the past where my weight training was not its best or the runs just hurt and stank.

It felt odd that running hurt that night. After all, that Friday I ran for the first time in a month and I actually had a decent time! But hurt it did and I had no other indication of a fever. Trust me, I know when one is coming on even if the doctors look at me like I’m nuts when the thermometer just says 98.9.

I’m trying not to let this, this whatever it is, hurt the girls. I just don’t have the luxury of checking out when the Chief is gone. The run did help and I pulled it together for the night.

But I noticed I posted one of my “VagueBooking” status updates:

“An old sack tied over your head by a criminal is not a very fashion-forward accessory.” Nancy Drew in The Spider Sapphire Mystery — feeling meh.

I post these wonderful word of wisdom from the renowned girl detective any time I want to say something snarky but cannot call people out. And yes, I wanted to say something snarky but it wasn’t about the Chief and our snippiness. I’d probably just post that–he’s not in FB.

Monday was an achy workout but I powered through. My trainer noticed I was not performing but he’s a good guy and I got through it. The elementary school called me in desperation to sub half-day (I wasn’t giving up training) and I went in even though I really don’t like subbing the first week the Chief is gone. Some obnoxious 4th graders and a 50 minute bus delay that I found out later was due to a bomb threat at my children’s school. But I survived and I did perk up a bit. Being busy does help.

Tuesday I woke up still down and still “meh”. I found this positive quote and reposted it to remind myself that I can and will survive the day. “I need to remind myself of this because it is one of those days, gonna be one of those weeks.”

found and shared by Bristol Palin

Once again I rallied for evening activities. I always do. But it is draining and usually I just can’t wait to send the girls to bed to “decompress”. Being around so many people, in charge of so many girls, it can be a lot… too much some times. Oh, and another bomb threat.

Wednesday I just posted “Roller Coaster Day 2.” The girls were going at it. Even they respond so negatively to the Chief leaving and the older one’s hormones. The younger one is getting worse and they just pick and pick and pick at each other. It is not a pleasant sound to wake up to. My good friend posted the following to her husband’s FB page. See my comment below.

The one person not to tick off.
Credit: http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/2010/05/mommy-will-lose-it-advisory-system.html

“As I have just yelled “Knock it off!” “Don’t do half-***ed jobs!” and “SHUT UP!” I think it is safe to say we are definitely in the red at the moment. And yes, this is another side-effect of these bomb threats.”

No training because we had a 2 hour delay for snow but I did bike my 6.2 miles in 23 minutes. I subbed for the girls’ kindergarten teacher. Nice to get paid for a full day.

I just wasn’t looking forward to anything. I know that’s a sign of depression. Losing interest in your regular activities, things that used to bring you joy. Thursday we were supposed to be celebrating one of the ladies’ birthdays. There are five of us and we celebrate each one with a lunch out. I didn’t want to go. The feeling started pretty much the week before, even before the Chief left. I just didn’t want to go, to be around anyone. And that’s the strange thing because during all of this I was feeling so strangely isolated.

Isolated because I just didn’t have anyone to vent to. I’m limited in what and when I can vent with the Chief (even when home). It had been a month since my last therapy session and for various reasons I hadn’t been able to make my group session–and I was going to miss it for this luncheon.

My Thursday FB status: “What’s on my mind? ARRRRGGHHHA!”

I went to training… cut out activities to make sure I could get in my run. Went to therapy and addressed this … this whatever it is that seems to be happening cyclically and hormonally related. Got stuck in highway traffic and finally met up with the ladies (plus 1 hubby) to sit miserably through lunch and constantly check my phone for the time. I know of only two who figured out I did not want to be there. I certainly hope the birthday girl didn’t notice. When asked the next day about it I just said, “I really didn’t want to be there. And if you guys ask me what I want to do for my birthday next month, I’ll just say nothing. I don’t want to go out. I just don’t. I’m not even sure I can get excited about our scrapbooking weekend. Maybe next week I’ll feel better but I don’t today.”

Bomb threats 3 & 4 happened on Thursday and Friday. And yes they have one suspect now in custody.

By Saturday I did start to see and feel some improvement in my mood and my motivation. Although the lethargy seemed to have kicked in late in the day and nap could not be resisted. Started to cheer myself up by booking our tickets for our summer trip and being on the same page with the Chief about it.

Sunday, a week later, things did start to look up. Maybe T1’s hormones aren’t so bad. Maybe we’ve all just adjusted. And today, after 65 degree weather yesterday we have probably 4-6 inches of snow. Hey, one less day for a bomb threat. Going to look at more pictures and websites for our summer trip to pretend I’m not so cold.

It is a great thing that it is only cyclical and that the rest of my month, weeks, are great, but it is such a draining experience and there are underlying issues and complaints to be dealt with. One day at a time. One crisis at a time. One big event at a time.

Sorry for the long post…

Thirty Days of Thanks Week 3

Nov. 17 I am thankful that during time of counting my blessings we had a lesson this morning on Living Generously. It is a reminder that the words of thanks should not be where it ends if we have the means to do so–our praise, our time, our devotion, our possessions. It goes along so well with the words of encouragement another friend is posting as 30 Days of Giving. Thank you, Daryl. Thank you, Karla.

 

Nov. 18 Today I am going to be thankful for the sunshine and the 70 degree weather for my last long training run of 2.2 miles because I just checked the long-term weather forecast and it is calling for a 40% chance of snow the night before the 5k. I will spend the next 10 days praying for it to be wrong.
**UPDATE: No longer calling for snow, just rain Tuesday and Wednesday with only a High of 30 degrees on Thanksgiving!**

 

Nov. 19 Today I am thankful for a young lady named S who probably doesn’t think I’m all that thankful for her when I’m hard on her. Thing is I’m hard on her for little things because she’s got the big things down. Do I expect perfection? No. Just doing my job to take her from “good” to “extraordinary”–something I know she can be.

 

Nov. 20 I am thankful for the singing class tonight. Making a joyful noise calmed my resentful and anxious spirit. I have been really enjoying these mid-week breaks of fellowship and singing but tonight especially. I was so glad we were able to make it–I needed. (And it doesn’t hurt that Roger gave me and the girls the last of the apple dumplings to take home!)

LWB: Take Home?!! I would’ve downed it on the spot!

SnipeWife: I ate one when I got home but I haven’t told the girls they have one for each of them… guess I will have to share since Roger said they were T2’s.

SnipeWife: I should have eaten them myself and not shared–they spent 10 minutes arguing over who got which one…. 😦

Nov. 21 I am thankful for a home cooked meal. Sometimes the hectic pace keeps us from doing that if we want to eat before 8 PM but tonight thanks to a 4 ingredient recipe and a covered baker we ate well and at our own table. It is not necessarily a blessing to have the convenience of eating out if it happens too much. And the girls gave it two thumbs up so we’ll have to try it on D when he gets home.

SVV: If it is quick and easy, pls share!  We are often eating on the run also and sometimes I think if I see another burger I might scream.  🙂

TM: What did you make?  Share please …..

SnipeWife: the Pampered Chef enchiladas in the covered baker. 4 ingredients. Too easy. 🙂

TM: yummy

Nov. 22 my. dog. ATE. my. phone. Stop laughing. I will be thankful for this. I will.

EP: I don’t know whether to laugh, or cry for you!  Yikes!!!

AEV: Maybe she will hack it up soon. clean it up and good as new 🙂

EP: You need to tell her there are better ways of hinting that you should get a new phone.  😀

SMW: dogs are like babies ,you have to keep those kind of things out of their reach .. lol

AT: if it was on vibrate call it and see if he runs in circles all confused!

EP: In all seriousness, is she okay?  Did she actually swallow the whole thing?

YBB: I told you not to pour gravy all over it.

NPB: It’s an omen… now you can get a big girl smart phone!!!  😉

B-I-L: DOH!!!

SnipeWife:  The dog is okay… she was just starting to work on it but she cracked the camera lens and the screen and put enough pressure on it to dent through to the battery. Have my new phone but had to have D call from the ship to give “permission” for me to get a new phone. Seriously? I have power of attorney and they needed his permission? ARGH! I will be thankful, I will be thankful!

SnipeWife: uh oh… the smart phone may get the better of me… didn’t realize that if I edit the contact list on my phone it would edit the contact address book on Google at the same time!!! ARGH!

TG: welcome to the world of crazy phones

TM: so what phone did u get?

SnipeWife: Samsung Galaxy Stratoshere II

Crookshanks and the damaged phone Copyright by SnipeWife 2013

 

Nov. 23 I am thankful for being able to teach at Camp. I’ve often said I get more out of it than the campers or my own children. I don’t know who picks the lessons but I know they are inspired. In the Young Adult class we just studied the same lesson I did on God The Father. We were asked what we got out of reading about the Fall and I was the only one who answered, “Hope.” God the Father l…oved us so much that from the beginning he has a plan to restore us. And today I showed more loving patience for my own child than I ever thought I was capable of (really short temper). It was a lesson I taught at least 3 summers ago but God brought back to my attention this week, when he knew I’d need it. I know one day my child will figure out that unlike God I do not know everything/will not find out everything, but I hope it is a long way off. Right now I just hope I show her God the Father’s love and mercy while I still have to give her the consequences of her actions. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll survive these teen years together.

 

Nov. 24 I am thankful for the arts. I’m thankful to the Porters for taking me to my first plays and musicals. I’m thankful to have the opportunity to take my own girls to the theatre since they were infants (taught them how to sit through a performance at a YOUNG age!). I’m thankful that today we got to take our scouts to see some VERY talented youth actors & singers perform in Annie, complete wit…h a live music pit. Art is certainly a luxury and I hope my girls are grateful for it and not “entitled” to it, as the sermon mentioned this morning. Who knows, maybe among the other girls a life-long love of theater was born today. I’m also thankful a very special young lady found herself in her first stage experience and her wonderful mother should be so proud.

SM:  Love ya, SnipeWife. Thank you and TM for bringing your troop out. I am so glad you enjoyed it and that you brought your daughters out!!!

Personal: Half-way Point

It is about half-way through this month of 30 Days of Thanks.

About this time I start second guessing myself and the things I’m thankful for and the posts I make.

When the month starts I’m so excited to count my blessings. I love to see the friends who participate. I am encouraged by it. I hope my posts encourage those others.

I have to say that far fewer are doing so this year though. But so many “Like” my posts more than usual too. Maybe they are getting encouragement even if they aren’t publicly posting.

*Side note: I’m not getting as many likes on here as I did in past years but my general traffic is down. Really must get back to Mama Kat’s on a regular basis.*

So I wonder if my daily posting of all the things I’m thankful are starting to sound uppity and trite. Are they sounding Pharasitical? “Thank God for all that I have and am not like that publican over there!”

I find that this year’s list is different from the past two. I’m finding daily occurrences things to be thankful for. Sometimes that means I don’t post until bedtime, but I still get one in daily. It will be interesting to compare the lists.

I’m trying not to second guess myself and see the spirit of doing such an exercise. Some would say why do so publicly? Isn’t that a bit arrogant? Well, I’m giving thanks to the one who gave it to me first and for most and yet those others post all those “cute” and quippy pictures about Christ and “only 1% will repost and if you deny me I will deny you before the Father” memes and chain letters. Am I not declaring Christ in my own way, by thanking him and acknowledging I know where my blessings come from?

Sometime in the next 10 days will be the anniversary of a brutal personal attack that took place in the midst of my first time participating in Thankfulness November. Being told that you are spoiled, selfish, self-centered, and delusionally believing the world revolves around you while “others are just trying to be good with what life has dealt them” can take its toll. While the attack wasn’t about my thankfulness posts, it made me question everything about what I had written.

Was it selfish to post that I’m thankful for my children when Susie Q couldn’t have children of her own? The Chief is a saint and a superhero but Betty Lou’s husband is nasty, angry man. Was it (or is it still) wrong of me to so publicly flaunt what I have?

I had actually just gotten up the courage to start this blog. What is more self-centered than to write a blog about–you guessed it, yourself! I almost gave up and if it weren’t for the encouragement of a blogger known then as Scribblings of a Soccer Mom (she no longer blogs under this pen name but instead through her professional site and work as a photographer) I would have.

It is one of the downfalls and dark side of social media. Facebook and other constant interaction sites are really messing with the mental health of people these days. I have no idea how many out of the 365 people on my friends list have hidden my daily posts. I know I’ve hidden a few or actually unfriended altogether. I think I’ve had a few all-time high “Likes” when I posted things like “Mom’s last chemo treatment” or “T1 got her Silver Award” and have been tempted to remove everybody but those that actually “Like”d what I had to say. But I know others rarely post on FB and the random out of the blue like of one of my thankfulness comments gets me to thinking at least they’re reading my statuses and it really doesn’t mean anything if they don’t click “Like”. I’ve often said I wish FB had just a “I hear ya” button.

So as I go into the final days of November and I think about not only what I’m thankful for but for ways to give back, I will try not to second guess myself. After all, I can’t help it if someone else is offended. That is their personal burden to bear. I will try not to lose steam and keep the daily posts meaningful and relevent. I will try to find the actions of others as praise-worthy things.

And I will celebrate my blogging anniversary as a triumph and not an anniversary to dread.