Posts Tagged ‘anonymity’

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Almost Famous

December 22, 2010

So… one person actually has read my blog. Cool.

Now┬áI can never be famous. Well, I could be, but it will all come back to haunt me. I’ve mentioned before that I want anonymity: to protect my children, my financial identity, and to–in a really weird way–keep me honest. But I’ve often wondered/worried about who and what from my past would rear its ugly head if for some strange twist of fate I actually became famous. Or DH ran for political office. And as I’ve said, for legal reasons I can never mention who DH works for other than his rank.

I know this sounds paranoid. I know we all have things in our past and blogging tends to loosen up people’s “tongues” when they really should think before typing. But here’s the deal: I am a proud Christian, and not one from a more liberal denomination; I have moral standards that others will say are closed-minded and judgmental. I try to hold myself to those standards but I have done some stupid things in my past. It’s one of the reasons why I am actually slow to make a judgement call (notice I didn’t say pass judgement, the two are different). Let’s just say that if you happen to be of my persuasion, everyone looks to see you mess up, and your past and your blogging history are fair game.

Back to those standards… they’re pretty high. I don’t expect anyone to live up to them. No that’s not right. I am more concerned about whether I can live up to them to even care if the next person does or does not. That’s not to say I haven’t been let down but that’s neither here nor there. What is here is that I make others uncomfortable. Others make themselves feel like my standards are impossible to keep–when I never asked them to keep them–and they preemptively accuse me of being judgmental and a snob.

So yeah, I’m not even famous and I know what it is like to have little things thrown in your face. So what will I write here? Should I? Hey, when no one was reading it was a lot safer. Oh sure some crack journalist could one day figure out who SnipeWife is… so that is why I’ll be careful not to air the dirtiest laundry, especially not laundry best left in the past. But I also know that someone with a chip against people like me are ready to rip us to shreds–for having a moral standard different from their own and one that, yes, is narrower than the way society is heading.

But I also believe in the “shut up and sing” policy. So if I ever did become famous, my views are my views. I won’t get on a soap box about anything that I’m not an expert on. Does that mean I lack conviction? No it just means my energies to my views and my causes are best served elsewhere–by doing rather than spouting. Again, if I’m not willing to live up to my standards, then I’ve got a lot of rethinking to do.

So to my one reader, thank you. I hope you enjoy this slice of life and glimpse into SnipeWife land. If I become famous, you could say you knew me when…

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What I really want to say…

December 20, 2010

I am finding I cannot say, even here where the likelihood of my identity becoming known is small. (Okay, two other people beside DH know I’m doing this so I guess there goes that anonymity.)

I found myself apologizing to DH for the mood I’m in… nothing is funny, nothing is exciting, nothing is happy. It could be many things: S.A.D., the stunning brutality of a family member, the recent funerals I’ve had to attend, the lingering cough that turned into bronchitis, the stronger medicines, and dear old Aunt Flo. I so hate to complain–all I have to do is think of those that have lost loved ones (see Life is Short post) or jobs or homes or even marriages, and I know my life is good and I truly have nothing to complain about.

DH was so sweet to accept my apology and list all those things going on in my life. A more understanding spouse would be hard to find.

I’m holding it all in though. I have no release. I’d like to give out a few pieces of my mind. Clear the air. Set the record straight. But I have chosen to take the high road and I can’t. Haven’t you ever just wanted to say, “It stinks” just because it does? I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want the understanding. I certainly don’t want a pity party. I just want a few nods, a few “I hear yas”, a few “Yups”. And I want to be able to say it without anyone reminding me of how good I have it, without condemnation, without any false platitudes of understanding or “cheer ups”. And I don’t want to talk about it.

But I need to get some of this out or I am going to explode. I’ve at least got a few girl friends who I know can tell when things aren’t normal and will check on me. I know DH feels better knowing they are in my life.

Two months almost done, one more to go. I’m not sure it will be here soon enough.

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