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What a Week … I’m Glad It Is Over

March 3, 2014

I feel like I could be a walking poster child for Cymbalta or Abilify … you know, the one where the voice over asks, “Who does Depression hurt?” Everyone. “Where does Depression hurt?” Everywhere.

It just wasn’t a good week. As I mentioned in my last post, the Chief was having his bout of “PMS” and things got a little snippy between us. He had to also get up at 3:30 AM to drive himself to the airport. Not a good night of sleep to begin with and then I couldn’t go back to sleep till almost 7 AM.

All day I was kind of “blah”. But the weather was gorgeous! We’re talking 70 degrees! So the girls and I walked the dogs. But by 5 o’clock I was feeling anxious and my skin was “itching.” For the first time I actually thought going for a run would be a good idea. So run I did.

That’s when I noticed the achy feeling. I began to think about it. The only time I feel like this during E.o.t.T. is either when I am 1., running a low-grade fever, or 2., I am not 100% my emotional best. I can pinpoint times in the past where my weight training was not its best or the runs just hurt and stank.

It felt odd that running hurt that night. After all, that Friday I ran for the first time in a month and I actually had a decent time! But hurt it did and I had no other indication of a fever. Trust me, I know when one is coming on even if the doctors look at me like I’m nuts when the thermometer just says 98.9.

I’m trying not to let this, this whatever it is, hurt the girls. I just don’t have the luxury of checking out when the Chief is gone. The run did help and I pulled it together for the night.

But I noticed I posted one of my “VagueBooking” status updates:

“An old sack tied over your head by a criminal is not a very fashion-forward accessory.” Nancy Drew in The Spider Sapphire Mysteryfeeling meh.

I post these wonderful word of wisdom from the renowned girl detective any time I want to say something snarky but cannot call people out. And yes, I wanted to say something snarky but it wasn’t about the Chief and our snippiness. I’d probably just post that–he’s not in FB.

Monday was an achy workout but I powered through. My trainer noticed I was not performing but he’s a good guy and I got through it. The elementary school called me in desperation to sub half-day (I wasn’t giving up training) and I went in even though I really don’t like subbing the first week the Chief is gone. Some obnoxious 4th graders and a 50 minute bus delay that I found out later was due to a bomb threat at my children’s school. But I survived and I did perk up a bit. Being busy does help.

Tuesday I woke up still down and still “meh”. I found this positive quote and reposted it to remind myself that I can and will survive the day. “I need to remind myself of this because it is one of those days, gonna be one of those weeks.”

found and shared by Bristol Palin

found and shared by Bristol Palin

Once again I rallied for evening activities. I always do. But it is draining and usually I just can’t wait to send the girls to bed to “decompress”. Being around so many people, in charge of so many girls, it can be a lot… too much some times. Oh, and another bomb threat.

Wednesday I just posted “Roller Coaster Day 2.” The girls were going at it. Even they respond so negatively to the Chief leaving and the older one’s hormones. The younger one is getting worse and they just pick and pick and pick at each other. It is not a pleasant sound to wake up to. My good friend posted the following to her husband’s FB page. See my comment below.

“As I have just yelled “Knock it off!” “Don’t do half-***ed jobs!” and “SHUT UP!” I think it is safe to say we are definitely in the red at the moment. And yes, this is another side-effect of these bomb threats.”

No training because we had a 2 hour delay for snow but I did bike my 6.2 miles in 23 minutes. I subbed for the girls’ kindergarten teacher. Nice to get paid for a full day.

I just wasn’t looking forward to anything. I know that’s a sign of depression. Losing interest in your regular activities, things that used to bring you joy. Thursday we were supposed to be celebrating one of the ladies’ birthdays. There are five of us and we celebrate each one with a lunch out. I didn’t want to go. The feeling started pretty much the week before, even before the Chief left. I just didn’t want to go, to be around anyone. And that’s the strange thing because during all of this I was feeling so strangely isolated.

Isolated because I just didn’t have anyone to vent to. I’m limited in what and when I can vent with the Chief (even when home). It had been a month since my last therapy session and for various reasons I hadn’t been able to make my group session–and I was going to miss it for this luncheon.

My Thursday FB status: “What’s on my mind? ARRRRGGHHHA!”

I went to training… cut out activities to make sure I could get in my run. Went to therapy and addressed this … this whatever it is that seems to be happening cyclically and hormonally related. Got stuck in highway traffic and finally met up with the ladies (plus 1 hubby) to sit miserably through lunch and constantly check my phone for the time. I know of only two who figured out I did not want to be there. I certainly hope the birthday girl didn’t notice. When asked the next day about it I just said, “I really didn’t want to be there. And if you guys ask me what I want to do for my birthday next month, I’ll just say nothing. I don’t want to go out. I just don’t. I’m not even sure I can get excited about our scrapbooking weekend. Maybe next week I’ll feel better but I don’t today.”

Bomb threats 3 & 4 happened on Thursday and Friday. And yes they have one suspect now in custody.

By Saturday I did start to see and feel some improvement in my mood and my motivation. Although the lethargy seemed to have kicked in late in the day and nap could not be resisted. Started to cheer myself up by booking our tickets for our summer trip and being on the same page with the Chief about it.

Sunday, a week later, things did start to look up. Maybe T1’s hormones aren’t so bad. Maybe we’ve all just adjusted. And today, after 65 degree weather yesterday we have probably 4-6 inches of snow. Hey, one less day for a bomb threat. Going to look at more pictures and websites for our summer trip to pretend I’m not so cold.

It is a great thing that it is only cyclical and that the rest of my month, weeks, are great, but it is such a draining experience and there are underlying issues and complaints to be dealt with. One day at a time. One crisis at a time. One big event at a time.

Sorry for the long post…

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