h1

Hmmm…

October 19, 2012

So I body-checked T1 into the wall and took down two 14 year olds. Not sure if I should be proud of that but after subbing 5th grade for two days it felt so good!

Ask me about all my aches and pains in the morning.

Where have I been for the past month? Riding the continual roller coaster that is my life. The Chief came home.

Surprise! Hey, welcome home; take a nap ’cause I’m subbing so I’ll see you this afternoon!

Now that I think about it, because you’re home and the house is in the middle of being painted, can you change out the mirror and light fixture while the crew is working?

What? The old one was a fire hazard?! Surprise! It is just like being at work–did I say welcome home yet?

I actually did feel bad about that. I really do make it a point to let the Chief get his land-legs before throwing my massive to-do list at him. But really if he hadn’t taken down the fixture before the guys painted, if we had discovered all the not-to-code problems later, it would have been a waste to have had the bathroom done. Now the bathroom looks awesome–and it is to code too.

I’ve been subbing quite a bit. All by request too. Half-day here, full-day there. It takes a lot out of me but not as much as it used to. And I’ve turned down jobs too. Two days in a row is max for me. I need to recharge my batteries after that. Or run down and plow over teenage soccer players…

T2 has been declared “Normal.” Okay, yes, what I saw was unusual but according to her blood work everything returned to normal. So it wasn’t a defect in her blood–it was her blood reacting to something. Either the viruses giving her the ear infections or the antibiotics for said viruses. We even looked at a very common condition that many (I’m talking many) people have and don’t even know it. Now according to my one very knowledgable friend who keeps me sane in situations like this, one “normal” result for this condition does not necessarily mean that is the case. But it is not a life threatening condition so I’m not going to sweat it at the moment.

I can just imagine T2 at doctor appointments in the future listing all her mystery illnesses–before she even gets to the whacked out genes and family history! Honestly, I’m really wishing she didn’t have these mystery illnesses. It would be a lot less stressful for us. Especially because it only seems to happen when the Chief is at sea. At least the Chief was home to get the good news.

I’m pretty certain I posted this … my mom has breast cancer.

My.

mom.

has.

breast.

cancer.

I wear my pretty butterfly shirt on the days she has chemo. That development was a shock to us. I think I’m still numb. My sister had a call back on her first mammogram but it was just a calcification. Mom lost her hair. We’re not talking the thinning I’ve had since starting MTX. No. Her’s came out in clumps. She asked my brother to shave the rest.

My mom has cancer.

Actually, she’d had a non-melanoma skin cancer before. But this is different.

Did some reading. Seems that on those commercials that list all the side-effects of the drugs I’m on just to be able to walk … “And other cancers” means non-melanoma skin cancers and metastatic breast cancer. Um, hello? I’m pale. Very pale. I already have half her genes anyway so who is to say the drugs will have anything to do with it anyway?

I still get goosebumps when I think about the most amazing and real way God answered my prayers this summer at camp and yet I found myself morbidly asking why? Why answer my prayers? Why heal me? Yeah, the thoughts of my own mortality mixed with the realizations that my parents, the Chief’s parents just aren’t getting any younger. After all, my father had spent a month in the hospital prior to all this. Did He answer so that all my ducks were in a row? Closure before the bottom fell out?

I don’t know. I’m still numb. Sure other people’s lives are worse off. Other people’s parents are ill, far more seriously than my mother (she is only Stage 1 and prognosis is very good). T2 is NOT sick … abnormally normal, but not sick. The Chief is an amazingly supportive husband and the girls and I lack for nothing.

But I have panic attacks every week when scouts rolls around. I can only physically and mentally sub for two days in a row max–what would happen if I actually had to work full-time? The Chief and I are still working on things … getting closure was only the beginning and I have such a long way to go. Between me and him I still have to figure out how much is/was the PTSD, how much was me and how much was him … we’re in uncharted marriage ground here.

Speaking of uncharted territory … my 12-year-old. I’m supposed to be keeping track of how she behaves when it is just me and when the Chief is home. Actually, I’m beginning to think it may be more telling to look at her behavior and moods when it involves or doesn’t involve her sister. Jealousy is a green-eyed monster disguised as a blue-eyed girl in this case. And I’m still left wondering how much of it is the PTSD, how much is just me and how much is her … and how badly have I already messed her up? And how do I help?

That is what I have been up to. Thanks for stopping by!

BTW, choice number two with the “oriental rug” and black dress has gotten the overwhelming approval. I’ll post on the event after it takes place next month.

And I go for my first mammogram next week. I’ll post about that too.

Oh, and I know God answered for His glory–I’ve just got to figure out how He wants me to show that, to live that in my life. I know He’ll give me that answer too, if I just look harder and finish what He set in motion.

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4 comments

  1. I wanted to write something funny about subbing ‘cos I’ve been there in all grades K-12 (I can so relate to wanting to smash their heads into the lockers so I can hear the sound reverberate throughout the school and feel the satisfaction of finally shutting their filthy little mouths) but then I read about your mom and want to you know that I send you and her tons of good wishes for a successful outcome! Glad you have the Chief there to shoulder some of the worry (and all of the chores!)


    • Funny is okay. Laughter is good medicine. I’m glad the Chief is home while we’re all trying to get used to this. I’m hoping to go sit with her during one of her chemo treatments and it will be easier knowing he’s home holding down the fort while I’m with her.


      • All my positive thoughts are with you and your family!


  2. […] for my mother. Saw her yesterday for the first time since she started chemo and she looks good. I’m not sure what I expected. T1 definitely wasn’t prepared. But Mom is a fighter and I keep telling her she is stronger […]



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