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Wrap Me Up in Silver Ribbons

May 24, 2012

The thing about PTSD is that it can be ever evolving. It is hard for us, the ones going through it, to understand and hard for our families.

Tonight I’m in an okay place. But this hasn’t been the case for several weeks. A couple of times it was a scary place.

I am learning that I can’t say I “had” PTSD… maybe one day but not today. I am taking steps to make sure that the PTSD doesn’t “have” me though.

Whenever we face a life event (either positive or negative) or we suffer additional trauma we runt he risk of symptoms returning. Or maybe the symptoms never left and we got really adept at managing them. I am learning that I only had band-aids on my wounds. I never knew this, never even questioned it. Recently, the trauma and the stress not only ripped that band-aid off but it took the scab and scars and showed that the wound never healed.

There is a positive to going through this right now because then I won’t be blind-sided later during major life-events such as my child’s wedding or the death of a parent, etc.–events that have nothing to do with my PTSD but the very emotional nature of such events takes away a lot of control from a person. I can be more prepared.

Especially if I finally take care of this wound.

Until I do it is influencing all aspects of my life right now–my ability to be the mother T1 & T2 need, to be a spouse, to handle the Chief’s sailing schedule, my health. Another thing I am learning is that I am looking through cracked glasses again. Not only is my ability to see shades of gray in a situation impaired, my ability to see others in my life for themselves and not with a crack is impaired. That is not fair to anyone involved. Am I angry with my fellow volunteer because of something they actually did or did not do, or am I angry because they remind me of someone who hurt me? My glasses are so cracked right now that I cannot give an honest answer.

In the chaos of all of this I have some how misplaced the Marriage Rule Book, the Sane Parenting Guide, and the Volunteer’s Manual on How to Avoid Burn-out. Without these rules, without feeling in control, I am flying blind. And it is a scary place to be.

Let’s throw on top of all that the physical and pharmacological effects of the PsA–which may have been triggered by the very stress I was under! Months of being in pain without relief or a diagnosis takes all control away. I know the longer I was on steroids the more my mood was altered. I know half a dose of a sleep aid will send me into a tailspin the following day. I’m taking medicines that enable me to walk pain-free but could possibly alter my mood significantly. What is the PsA, the PTSD, or the drugs?

What is my REAL mood? Do I have any control?

Facing the huge elephant in the room has helped. Confiding in a few friends about what was going on and including telling them about this blog has been good for me. It is keeping me grounded and accountable. It is helping me resist the urge to circle the wagons and run for the hills. It is keeping me from shutting down this blog.

It is keeping me from shutting down.

I have a great deal of work to do. I am enjoying my time with the Chief–I think we were at least able to take a bite out of the elephant and he is being as supportive as ever.

One day at a time. One foot forward. One more word blogged.

 

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2 comments

  1. […] Wrap Me Up in Silver Ribbons (snipewife.wordpress.com) Rate this:Share this:FacebookEmailPrintStumbleUponTumblrLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. […]


  2. […] while back God had to throw a brick at me to get me to understand that I never really allowed him to completely heal the wounds festering […]



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