Lesson Learned? FAILFebruary 20, 2012
DH has his moments. We’ve had a few speed bumps over the years, some worse than others but we are strong and solid. DH and I have been on quite a roller coaster with my myriad of problems, both emotional and physical (one causing the other often), this past year. Throw on top of that the ordeal of caring for Cassie in her final months last summer while I was still undiagnosed. DH has taken care of me and put up with so much.
I think one of things I was supposed to learn from the psoriatic arthritis as well as the panic attacks, etc., was to slow down. Tell people No. Prioritize.
While I was in the midst of it all I did tell people No. And then some–my filter was totally off. (See both Why Is It? and Why Is It Part 2.) I took care of me and mine and kept my obligations to a minimum.
There was a time when I could be guilted into thinking “If I don’t do it, no one will.” That’s bunk. Someone will. Nature abhors a vacuum. But sometimes, yes, for a time no one steps up until the right person comes along. And in the grand scheme of things, often these things that “have to get done” are trivial.
But now I’m feeling better. I’m watching my short temper and not being snarky. This is a busy time for scouts and we have much to get done. We have roughly 25 scouts in three levels, with 8 leaders plus two floaters, one of whom is our service unit director (SUD). She has a ton on her plate and I do not want to see any more piled on her. I think it is mutual but at the same time she also knows if SnipeWife doesn’t do it, no one will step up.
I certainly do not think I am the only one who can lead and do these things and organize them (although I do often think I can do them better!) but I think the other 7 leaders think I am the only one who can do these things and lead. Or they think SnipeWife will do it, why should we extend ourselves?
We had a long day yesterday with Thinking Day in the morning and what is called Cookie Jam in the evening. A very long day. In the morning, each level took care of their own projects and their own girls. But in the evening by default I was in charge. Keep in mind I never actually said I would be. At one point I do remember being told by the SUD “Someone has to be because it can’t be me.” (She was working the event in an official capacity.)
Six of the 8 leaders were present. And I just let the 5 leaders get by. I should have just handed the official bag over and said, “Take a head count, sign in, keep track of them, sign them out. Not too hard. See you later–I’m going home to spend some quality time with my husband who has selflessly taken care of me for the past seven months with little reward.”
If this was the lesson I was supposed to be learning, I failed miserably. Just because I’m feeling better does not mean I need to get back into old habits; habits that took their toll on my physically and emotionally. I may be Wonder Woman but I am Wonder Woman of my own domain, not of anyone else’s!
I felt so bad for DH. What a lousy way to spend our last day/night. I should have put him first–the girls were taken care of. I guess he couldn’t sleep so he got up well before the alarm and I guess figured rather than toss and turn he should get up and get going. I could not go back to sleep. I sobbed in his arms–I usually am very careful to make decisions I can live with and try to have very little regrets over my actions but I really regret this choice.
Keep in mind, I am very moody and hormonal. Saturday had been my first prednisone free day. Grant it, I was on a very low dose but seven months of steroids or NSAIDs starts to add up, no matter how low the dose. And it was apparently making PMS a bit worse.
I can’t always set aside my obligations–for example, this summer before I knew DH’s schedule I volunteered to teach at summer camp again. But I will plan accordingly and make sure I have quality time with him before he ships out again. I should have, however, set this obligation aside and others could have and should have done the job for me.
I’m not going to let this backslide continue–my health and my family are too important to me.
I won’t feel better until I can put my arms around him again and tell him how much I appreciate all he has done for me. Don’t worry, I will do my best not to let it eat at me either. DH understood my choice and holds nothing against me–but I still feel guilty. It is in my genes. 😛