Crashing… Emotionally

January 19, 2012

I do have to say hormones are playing a big part of this and probably the meds are not helping. It has been quite the week. Quite the roller coaster.

Last night during Bible class I slid DH a note: “I’m crashing emotionally.” He looked up at me and I looked back at him with eyes filling with tears and ready to bolt. He reached out and calmly put a hand on my knee and squeezed.

So what’s going on? Where is this coming from?

Last week I made a big decision to finally put on here that I have PTSD as well as an anxiety disorder. If you are familiar with either, you know that people have triggers. That is plural as there can be any number of things that can trigger an episode. For me, telling someone that I have PTSD can send me into a tailspin. It takes a great deal of trust to make yourself so vulnerable.

And here I opened up to the virtual universe.

But it was a good decision at a good time in my life.

Then we had the high of anticipation as we waited for Saturday. At the same time I missed our previous grey. I dreaded the unknown. Lack of control is a HUGE trigger.

Eventually the high wears off. You have to come down. The honeymoon is over when the first TV remote is eaten.

In the back of your mind you start to calculate how long DH will be around to help and you decide it will never be enough time. Will I be able to do this? Will they still be eating remotes in four weeks? Imagine that I spent 9 months while pregnant with T2 feeling and thinking the exact same things. Okay, so I wasn’t expecting T2 to be eating remotes, but you get the point.

I had a therapy session this week too. I talked about the greys–for the most part they are really good and I keep thinking someone will pinch me and I’ll wake up. Could we be so lucky? I talked about my sense of well-being, my “evolving” state for this year. When I think about where I was a year ago… well, anything and everything is better. These are good sessions, but there is always a “crash” after them.

Then I had to inform T1’s coach of her decision to try to rejoin her very first team now that the age bracket covers 12 and 13 year olds. A long time ago the majority of the team aged up to 8 year olds but T1 was still a very young 6-year-old. She needed time to grow and develop. She’s had that time and we’ve demonstrated team loyalty by staying with a losing team for 6 seasons now at least (and I coached 4 of those seasons). She’s participated in skills camps and sees that there is more out there. She was encouraged by two former coaches to try something new, to challenge herself. I gave her the choice, with my own encouragement, but I do believe she made the choice herself.

But I still feel bad. If this coach hadn’t stepped up to help me when our previous coach left us high and dry, none of the girls would have played that season. His daughter joined our scout troop so we will still get to see them–I just hope there are no hard feelings. What will it be like to play against them? I made sure T1 understood we couldn’t just leave without the courtesy of an explanation, as so many have done over the years leaving us scratching our heads when we’d see the player on another team.

I’m avoiding checking me e-mail. I don’t want to see his response.

I’m avoiding another e-mail from a friend… I start all my scout meetings with a “status update” of how I’m feeling so that the 14 rowdy scouts know what I’m in the mood for and what I’m not. On the day I had my second knee drained I was still having mild panic attacks hours later. The girls naturally wanted to know why so I explained about the PA and why some days I was limping, why I wouldn’t camp with them back in June, why some days I was just in a horrible mood… The responsible person that I am, I went home that night and wrote an e-mail to the parents, just in case their scout mentioned something or had a concern. I said, “I think it will be good for T2 to be able to tell her friends if she’s upset that I’m sick.”

Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, I have two parents in the troop who have serious health problems of their own. I sound just a bit whiney if you ask me. I feel a little embarrassed. One parent sent me an e-mail but before I knew about it she flagged me down at a stoplight to say, “I sent you a note as a friend if you need me!” I am afraid to open it.

And lastly, there was just something about Wednesday’s Bible lesson that left me feeling, well, less. For the most part it has been a great study–DH, T1 and I are all in the same class. I feel God has been using a few bricks to drive the point home. As the class went on I felt less like a failure and more comfortable with the topic and I didn’t bolt, but I told DH if he hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t squeezed my knee I would not have made it.

I subbed today. I got a text from DH: “lost the DVD remote, more damage to the bookcase, and I found my camera in their beds, all in 20 minutes.”

All I could think of “What would they do to the house when I substitute and he’s gone? I think it would be cruel to leave them in a crate for 8+ hours and it not be bed time.”

So, yeah. I’m crashing. I’m drained. I’m barely holding it together at the moment.



  1. I’m here if you need me … always. I understand about the roller coaster. Hugs!

  2. I’m just now catching up on blogs and am seeing this a couple days after you posted. I really hope that you’re feeling better now. Hang in there.

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