Birthdays and Anniversaries: New PerspectivesSeptember 12, 2011
Today T2 turns 9. Wow. Where did the time go?
When T1 turned 9 I cried, realizing that we were half-way through raising her. I realize that with T2 as well but this birthday is different.
I used to dread her birthday. Her birthday was a reminder of so much sadness and loss. You see, I had antepartum and postpartum depression with her birth. I never got to nurse her like I did her sister; I never got to bond with her in that special way. Yes, she got to bond with DH in a way T1 didn’t, and we later formed such a strong bond that it really didn’t matter, but I still regret not being able to nurse her.
And her birth marked the beginning of the three-, almost 5-, year destruction of extended family and friends relationships. Her birthday was a sad reminder of what I could never get back.
But something changed in 2009. You see, about a month before her birthday DH almost lost his hand in a horrific workshop accident with a router bit. In those three seconds our entire lives could have changed forever. I know God was with him and spared him the horrors of amputation and severed nerves. I stood with him while the PA stitched his fingers back together–31 stitches in all. I stood with him as the orthopedic surgeon gave us the best news we could have ever heard–no nerves were completely severed and his hand was functional.
You tend to start living one day at a time, grateful for each morning you get up.
We were also waiting for Cousin IT’s arrival that year. New life. And a change and healing in many relationships. It reminded me that I still did not like infants and no amount of drugs or therapy was going to change that. And I was okay with it. It wasn’t something to regret any more. I could enjoy T1 and T2 for the beautiful and happy young women they are growing into and know that our family was complete.
I posted on FB that at T2’s slumber party in 2010–the first I’d let her have–she and her sister had actually been the worst behaved! But it was nice to have them and DH to complain about. Having so recently celebrated one year since DH’s accident, I didn’t see her birthday as an anniversary of something lost any more.
I did tell DH that if he hadn’t wanted me to throw him a surprise 40th birthday he could have found a less drastic way to get out of it.
Sadly, it was in November last year, just about the time I started this blog, that I was dealt another betrayal, another loss. And it smacked of earlier losses and betrayals. It has been the stress I have been dealing with for months now, perhaps the cause of my mystery illness and pain.
I’m glad T2’s birthday is a happy reminder of what I do have. Today is a good day. I struggled through E.o.t.T. but even that is a gift rather than the Torture I used to call it. T2 is an amazing young woman, incredibly loving, imaginative and smart, and a joy. I thank God for giving me exactly what I needed in that beautiful 9 lbs. 2 oz, 21 inches, bundle of love. Every day with her, T1, and DH is precious and not to be wasted.