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Personal: Restless

May 23, 2011

School is drawing to a close. T1 is three weeks from finishing elementary school and I’m not sure either one of us is ready for that reality. DH will miss all the “graduation” activities but should be home shortly after that.

I have unofficially decided that I am done subbing for the year except if they call me for an emergency. My first year as a sub has been successful–I guess if they are requesting me personally I haven’t messed up too badly. The extra income is subsidizing my scrapbooking hobby nicely.

Summer plans have my calendar blocked and busy–day camp, two weeks of sleep away camp (one week for each child, two for me as I’m teaching), nephews and nieces coming for visits, arranging Bronze Award activities for T1–until August. Trying to decide about sending the children to soccer day camp in August when team practices will start up again.

And school, scouts, and soccer will all start again at the end of August. Why am I restless when I should be exhausted at the thought?

This restlessness centers around “not knowing what I want to do when I grow up.” DH has never out-and-out said “get a job” but I have always, rather cyclically, felt I need to contribute. Now that I think about it, it does seem to always happen around this time of year. Thus, I finally became a substitute–something that satisfied my need to have the most flexible schedule possible, with the hours I wanted to work and still be involved with the children. I will admit though, I did miss volunteering in their classes. The 5th grade teacher didn’t need me and the 3rd grade teacher is retiring–and if I was already at the school either for a sub job or for a PTA thing, I didn’t want to hang in the class on my “day off” any way.

Maybe this restlessness comes from my last Writer’s Workshop reminding me that I still haven’t accomplished all my dreams. I also confessed that recently to a dear friend who figured out who Snipe Wife was.

Maybe this restlessness comes at this time of year because in four short weeks, T1 turns another year older and at the end of summer so does T2. I bawled when T1 turned 9, realizing we were half way through raising her. T2 turns 9 this year–she won’t even be 18 when she’ll start college! As I said in Altered Dreams, in 9 short years DH and I start another chapter of our lives!

Do I want to really wait that long before taking on my last goal? What do I need to do to accomplish it?

Last summer, in preparation for being stuck at camp for two weeks, I invested in my LiveScribe PULSE pen so that I could write longhand–my preferred method so that I don’t self-edit and log-jam the creative flow. I love, love my smartpen and all the cool features.

This blog is getting the creative juices flowing. I pick my writer’s prompt very carefully so that I can relate the topic back to all things maritime. But I need to get these thoughts and blog entries organized with the materials I have to write out longhand.

I never took a creative writing class. My alma mater did not offer the class on a regular basis at the time. A few years ago, again at this same time of year, they announced a master’s degree program in creative writing. Now why couldn’t they have offered that 15 years ago? I think I would have stayed on at school after getting married and my life would be vastly different.

So I’m looking into online courses with the same pickiness I have applied to my personal training and employment options. I want it on my terms! I don’t want to pay a ton. I want the place to be credible but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a college program. I don’t necessarily want to get a masters–I don’t even want to think about what hoops I’d have to jump through just to apply!

I want a deadline, hard and firm. I’ve tried one correspondence course and I didn’t complete it and just like a gym membership I won’t use, I threw the money away. I want to have to turn in assignments on a schedule and I want to interact with the same teacher/mentor on a regular basis.

I want to take only the courses I want to take. Yes, I want fundamentals but I really do not want to take a journalism course. I want to be able to work on my coursework at 9 at night–like I’m working on this blog. I want feedback and peer review.

Yeah, I like to have my cake and to eat it too. This isn’t the first time I’ve entertained this idea. It took me five years to commit to the idea to be a substitute. Maybe now is the time to commit to this last goal. You know, when I think about not getting a masters right away I can say “but look at what I would have missed out on and I don’t regret a single minute.” But if I don’t accomplish, even try to accomplish, this goal I will regret it because there is no alternative that is better, it would just be something I never did.

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4 comments

  1. Wow we are so, so alike! Must be a pisces thing. Does Mary Washington offer continuing ed classes in evenings? I took Fiction Writing @ UVA & learned lots & loved it!!! Look into it. It was less than 200!


    • If they do, they aren’t making it easy to find. They may not because we have two great community colleges nearby. I think I’m going to try a Writers.com course this August. If I can keep up with that, I may try to get in some classroom time in the spring. I’ll let you know how it goes!


  2. I think there are a lot of places online for aspiring writers and I know there are tons of memes out there in the blogging world that give you prompts and assignments to complete. It is good to pursue your dreams. it is a wonderful example for your kids. And I feel the same as you about contributing to the household but, at the same time, I want something flexible so I can do all the stuff at home too. Good luck!


    • Okay, I have to ask as I’m relatively new to blogging, and I’ve seen it elsewhere–what is a meme?



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