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It’s Going to Be Rough

March 27, 2011

I was really hoping having DH home would give me the chance to rest and catch up; to recover from the stress and garbage heaped on me back in November as a result of a brutal attack from someone I should have been able to trust. Instead I have spent the last 80 days going from one illness or event to another and I am not rested by any means.

I had all those breathing issues–which could very well have been all from the stress or may be related to my heart condition or to strained muscles from E.o.t.T. I have had two sinus infections that have laid me out flat for days. I had no idea I seem to be so sick until everyone kept asking me at church this morning and commenting that my FB posts are one illness after another.

And I’m not bouncing back. Not when I have to play catch up to make up for all the down time. DH has totally picked up the slack. He has spent the weekend getting T1 and T2 through their science fair projects so that the experiments are done before he leaves. He’s trying to get pinewood derby cars designed and cut. I still have to give him my home business tax information so we can file by Tuesday.

If I were completely honest, the days that I lay curled in bed with a fever and my Kindle, with no one to see, nowhere to go, DH taking care of everything–getting the children up, ready for school, dealing with them when they got home, and even leaving the big bed for me to sleep in alone–I was happy in my own little cocoon.

I get enjoyment out of solitary things or even things with the family, just us. But everything else–scouts, church, PTA, soccer, volunteering at the school or even subbing–I have to work myself up into actually wanting to do them. I don’t want to do them and I really could care less. Even on DH’s trip, the most stressful day for me was the one with the spouses. I don’t want to be involved in any activity that puts me “out there”. I don’t want to be vulnerable to criticism and attacks. And when these “chores” are done, I crash hard and I need alone time.

Before I raise any more flags than I already have, those flags went up for me more than a month ago. I am taking steps to get out of this funk. This is not like me. However, the nature of what happened in November left me scarred and walls went up in a very normal defensive reaction for me. But the reaction has become so extreme and has lasted way too long. And I should have seen it from the start but I just kept hoping “once DH gets home…” It feels as if he came home just yesterday and now I’m working on the laundry to make sure all his work clothes are ready to be repacked. It also feels as if because of physical illness I am no better than I was.

I don’t know how I am going to meet the needs of my children. T1 is always very needy when DH goes to sea. I’ve written about that before. Now T2 is at a critical age (8 1/2) where I had issues with T1. All I can do is tell T2 to learn from example and really think about whether T1 got anything more than in MORE trouble for the back talking, the excuse making to try to justify bad behavior when we’ve been caught, and the sudden introduction of exaggeration and melodrama into all of our expression.

I am not a patient person. I am even less so now and I feel so sorry for my children. I’ve already told T1 I will need all the help I can get and I expect the use of common sense. I’ve told T2 I will find time to have Momma-Child time with just T2. Oh, and this came on the same weekend when T1 was jealous and mad that T2 got her dream dress for Father-Daughter and not 24 hours later T2 expressed how much she hates getting hand-me-downs. I can’t win. If only they knew how jealous of each other they were.

I really hope that the very demanding schedule (I seem to enjoy being on the go) and the hopeful return of spring weather will help. I also hope that the busyness will help the children be less apt to act up–or at least I can just throw them in bed as soon as we get home so I don’t have to deal. The only problem that seems to be cropping up is a great deal of forgetfulness that I usually do not have.

Maybe I’ve started this blog at just the right time. The whole anonymous thing is part of that stress. I have a lot to share but I’m not ready for anyone close to me to know about this blog. I’m not sure what I’m worried about–except for crazy spam referer days or if I mention any Garth Brooks songs I only have 6 regular readers (yeah! I’m up from 4!). Oh, but three of you know who I am… well, you may get to know me better, warts and all.

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4 comments

  1. Oh girl!! That’s a lot there. I do not envy you. The being alone. Good luck. I’m sorry it’s been so rough. I’m hoping spring helps me too 🙂


  2. Oh man. You are dealing with an awful lot. I think you will find that blogging is a wonderful and supportive outlet and a good place to just get things out there. It sounds like you might have post traumatic stress. Is there any counseling you could seek? Best of luck and just take one day at a time and only do what you have too and forget the rest. Hang in there.


  3. […] It’s Going to Be Rough (snipewife.wordpress.com) […]


  4. […] looked back at my post on March 27, It’s Going to be Rough, and I’m relieved at how much things have changed. Are they 100% better or perfect? No, but […]



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