What I really want to say…

December 20, 2010

I am finding I cannot say, even here where the likelihood of my identity becoming known is small. (Okay, two other people beside DH know I’m doing this so I guess there goes that anonymity.)

I found myself apologizing to DH for the mood I’m in… nothing is funny, nothing is exciting, nothing is happy. It could be many things: S.A.D., the stunning brutality of a family member, the recent funerals I’ve had to attend, the lingering cough that turned into bronchitis, the stronger medicines, and dear old Aunt Flo. I so hate to complain–all I have to do is think of those that have lost loved ones (see Life is Short post) or jobs or homes or even marriages, and I know my life is good and I truly have nothing to complain about.

DH was so sweet to accept my apology and list all those things going on in my life. A more understanding spouse would be hard to find.

I’m holding it all in though. I have no release. I’d like to give out a few pieces of my mind. Clear the air. Set the record straight. But I have chosen to take the high road and I can’t. Haven’t you ever just wanted to say, “It stinks” just because it does? I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want the understanding. I certainly don’t want a pity party. I just want a few nods, a few “I hear yas”, a few “Yups”. And I want to be able to say it without anyone reminding me of how good I have it, without condemnation, without any false platitudes of understanding or “cheer ups”. And I don’t want to talk about it.

But I need to get some of this out or I am going to explode. I’ve at least got a few girl friends who I know can tell when things aren’t normal and will check on me. I know DH feels better knowing they are in my life.

Two months almost done, one more to go. I’m not sure it will be here soon enough.


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